Currently, the April ’18 Edition

April 14th, 2018

It’s mid-month, so I’m back with another edition of State of the Looney.

I’m enjoying some well-earned munching, as I’ve just finished my 100 days of no junk -challenge. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I have not missed this feeling of being fucking stuffed. I mean sure, chocolate is good and all, but I feel monumentally better if I only eat it like maybe four times a year. Which means I’ve actually learned something. Who’da thunk, ay.

I’m thinking about tomorrow, since it’s going to be my first day of running for this year. I was just out for a proper walk with a mate and when we parted ways I decided to give running a go. Just to see if I’d be up for it after a winter-long break. Also I was wearing my brand new running shoes, just to wear them in a bit before hitting the track and so I ran about 100 meters and it felt good. No breathlessness, no tiring of the thighs even after a roughly 90 minute brisk walk, so I’m fairly confident I’ll be ok. I’m going with the Couch to 5k -app, again, for the third time, but I feel it’s well worth it. Sort of soothes me into my regular 5k runs. I’m going to try for 8-10k by the end of this summer, so yea I have a Goal and all. Can’t wait to go really.

I’m not eating anything at this precise moment, but just a second ago I was basically inhaling a Mignon -chocolate egg. A Finnish traditional delicacy, which is just a normal eggshell filled with nougat. Yes, a whole eggshell filled with solid nougat.

I’m drinking water, because holy shit chocolate makes me thirsty. I should get back to my usual water routine, as I’ve slipped a bit during these past few days. I’ve been eating so much I’ve had no room for water. That’s due to change tomorrow, because hello getting back to weightloss and excercise and PROPER EATING oh god I love eating all these veggie foods I’ve made recently. But I digress.

I’m wearing my joggers and a long-sleeved t-shirt, along with a pair of leg warmers, my slippers and a cardie. You will not catch me without my cardie during snowy months, I promise you. I’m also wearing a ton of make-up, because it was my dad’s seventieth birthday party today (well half of party anyways) and I decided to try and look presentable for a change.

I’m listening to a nature sounds playlist on Spotify, as I feel I need something to block out the silence as I’m writing. And having songs playing tends to distract me quite a bit. So yea, crickets, rain, birds it it.

I’m waiting for a shipment from Kikki.K, which is stuck in customs and since postal services in this country are in a dreadful state (yes i realise i’m slagging my own employer) I’m going to have to wait for a letter to arrive (probably on monday i hope) so I can customs clear the shipment online and pay the vat and whatnots and then wait for the parcel to get here, which I hope happens on Tuesday, but I’m kinda certain it’ll be on a Wednesday. So meh. I’ve also ordered in some bits and bobs for the kid and I want that to arrive, but that’s unlikely to happen until at least Thursday. And I’ve got a bunch of stuff coming over from China, but god knows how long those will take. Ughhh.

It’s been a bitterly cold and fucking long winter around these parts, but the good news is that the snow is finally melting, the weather‘s clearing and it seems like there might be a spring after all. Yay. There’s been a forecast showing over 10 degrees during days and I believe it’s not much below zero during the nights either. And it hasn’t been snowing in over a week.

I’m feeling quite confident about me at this moment. And I have been feeling the same for a good while. Ever since I started to make the conscious change in the way that I think. I try to focus on the positive things and most nights I’ve written down a few things I’m grateful for. That’s helped a lot and wouldn’t you know, thinking positively makes me feel more positive overall. I’m… I’m kind of bummed that I’ve been wasting a lot of time being negative. I mean sure, sarky is a whole another thing, I’m still the sour, sarky old biddy I’ve always been, but in a general sense I’ve been overhauling my thought process. And so far it’s been a blast.

I’m wondering how long it will take for the biggest (and meanest) pile of snow to melt from our yard. I promise you I’m not joking, the pile is about two meters high and it’s mostly snow that’s been falling off from the garage roof, so it’s proper jammed pile too. Also it’s on the side of the building that gets almost no direct sunlight at all, so that’s not helping either. I’m guessing there might still be some snow in there come May 20th, but it also might be that I get pissed at it and just hack away with it when it gets at least a little bit less intimidating.

So yea, that’s what’s going on with the resident town fool. Let me know how you’re doing, I love hearing about you.



Blog challenge, episode 2

April 11th, 2018

Describe three legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears

1. Spiders
I know the exact time my dislike for spiders became a fear. I mean I can’t tell you the time and date, but I can tell the exact moment when it happened. It was way back in the glorious eighties, when I was around eight years old and was playing in my friend’s house. (there’s a whole another story about these friends, their house and how i was not supposed to play with them according to their mother, but that will have to wait) My friend had a few of those soft, plastic BIG (as big as my hand and then some) insect figures you can buy even today (i would ban them for causing irreplacable damage and emotional suffering to people but that’s just me), one of them was an ant I believe and there was a beetle of some sorts as well. And there was a black and white spider, one of those hairy legged ones and it still gives me the creeps to just think about it. It was fucking huge, I’m not joking, fucking monumental in size. And then I was climbing upstairs because I’d gone to the bathroom and my friend, she’s behind the staircase railing in the upper hall and she yells at me and I turn and she tosses the bloody spider at me and it just fucking slaps right in the middle of my face, like a fucking facehugger from Alien. I can still remember seeing it approaching me and it still makes me want to cry. And cry I did back then too, hysterically. For a good while too. And from there on I haven’t just disliked spiders, but fucking feared them.

2. Fear of not being able to write
I have no idea when this became a fear of mine. I suspect it was around the time when I started going to therapy and understood that writing is not only my escape from reality that can sometimes get a bit much for me, but it’s also a way for me to dissect my actual feelings and find solutions to my problems. I’ve had episodes in my life where I have been medicated out of my writing habit and that didn’t go too well. Even though I was feeling seemingly better and smoother thanks to the drug, it made me feel very uneasy and sort of … ready to burst at any minute because I wasn’t writing. I couldn’t, all of my senses were so numbed so I couldn’t find the words and couldn’t find the soul of it all, you know. I couldn’t find me under all that medication. This is why I’m getting into journaling little by little, just so that I can write regularly about me, and not process mself through fictional characters, because while that’s relieving and creative and I find immense joy in it, it still isn’t properly solving my shit, the way journaling is. I feel like I don’t, at the ripe age of 39, even know myself that deeply, because I’ve drowned myself under a thick layer of fictional characters. Yikes, I’m digressing again. So yea, fear of not being able to write is genuinelly a legitimate fear of mine.

3. Fear of going deaf
Throughout my teenage years that were stormy and all of it a big turmoil, much like it is for any teenager out there, I found a lot of comfort in music. It was literally U2’s Achtung Baby and Simple Minds’ Real Life that kept me hanging on for so many days and so many nights. And they stuck with me, through the onset of my bipolar disorder, through years of trying to find what it was that I want to do in life and ever until these days, where I’m still as lost about what my place and purpose in this life is, music is the one constant that anchors me to real life and pulls me away from my existential crisis. And so fear of not being able to hear, to me, is almost crippling. I know there are a lot of people who are deaf and live perfectly good lives and I’m in no way implying that their lives somehow lack anything, it’s just that to me, I have no problem with literally any of the other aspects of being deaf, but the thought of not hearing music like I have heard it, is terrifying. So that’s the thirrd one of my fears.

And thus ends the second episode of a blog challenge I took up.



Song of The Week, 3/18

April 7th, 2018

I’ve been waiting for spring to come, which now, as there’s still snow in monumental fucking piles all around here, a bit of a wishful thinking. I don’t like winter, I don’t like snow and cold, so it’s quite natural that I’m bit anxious already for the summer to arrive. It has been snowy all around for over five months now.

I’m waiting for the summer (or at least a proper spring) particularly lot this year, mostly because I’ve bought myself a pair of spanking new New Balance running shoes and I’m waiting for the roads to clear so I can start my running season. Which brings me to my pick for the Song of The Week. I’ve been compiling a running playlist for this season, like I do for every season. I like to change up the beats I listen to for every year, even tho there are some that stick, just because they are my power songs and they can spank me into pushing myself further. But mostly it’s just songs that have a powerful basstrack. Which is quite evident in this one.

I picked this up just recently from BodyCombat 75, and it immediately stuck with me. It’s going on my running playlist this year, probably as track number six or seven, just because I know I’ll need an extra boost right about there.

Here it is, the third Song of The Week this year, Tropkillaz – Disbroqueia a Tela.



Changing

April 3rd, 2018

I’ve been talking a lot here (well, when i’ve been doing talking at all) about how I’m changing my life this year. Changing it probably because I’m hitting forty in October and as a thought it feels terrifying, but also somehow comforting. I’ve made it through four decades of life just bullshitting my way around it, and there’s no guarantee how much bullshitting I still have ahead of me. (look at me being all snarky and hiding my existential crisis lol) I have been all about physical changes, but I’ve come to realize I need to change my way of thinking as well. It’s all in the head, they say and I’m slowly beginning to understand that they, whoever they are, are right.

In the past few days I’ve been thinking about this a lot, about how I view the world and how I view myself, and in general the life, everything that happens around me. I’ve never been much of a positive thinker, I’m rather a hardened cyniscist, always snarking on everyone’s happiness. I have noticed a change in me, in the past -I don’t know- a year? Two years? slow change that I’m certain has to do with age, in a sense that I actually think I’ve grown. I hesitate to say I’ve matured, because that somehow (at least to me) implies a sort of hierarchy, and I’m not about that. I’d like to think that where in many cases I may still be the stubborn teen who sees everything in black and white, I’ve found some … softness? grace? mercy? in me, as I’ve grown older. The most tangible example I can give is when there was a need for support for anything in the interent community (look at me swerving around saying fandom and trying to sound Wise™ ), there were always people who said “I’m praying for you”. Up until maybe five years ago, I got a bit angry even and was very keen to tell everyone that I wasn’t a believer and that meant literally nothing. Lately tho, I’ve started to realise it’s really not a thing to get angry about. If people feel like they are genuinelly doing good by praying for me and it gives them a tangible way in their minds to help and support, it’s nothing to get angry about. I say thank you and accept their prayers. I may not think they’re worth two shits as I’m an atheist, but they do no harm to anyone either. I can make those people happy by saying thank you instead of hurting people unnecessarily with harsh words over a matter that doesn’t hurt anyone in any way. (this isn’t to say that when politicians, who are in the position to actually do something, should stick to ‘thoughts and prayers’ but that’s a whole another angry rant which i might get to later on)

So in that sense I’ve become more flexible and lo and and behold, it makes me feel better in the process, because there’s one less thing I need to be angry about. Because being angry is fucking consuming.

Don’t get me wrong tho, there is a time and a place for grudges and planning revenges and not forgiving, but when a thing is of a trivial nature to yourself, you shouldn’t waste time on being angry about it. You’ll do much better just sort of brushing it off, getting over it and moving along.

But negative thinking can be and is in most cases a trap. A self-powering vicious cycle, and it’s so easy to fall into it, especially if you’ve been spiraling in that for most of your life. I have, and whilst I admit I have a few good reasons to be cynical and bitter, I should point out that it doesn’t mean I should be cynical and bitter about every single fucking thing in my life. Sure, be bitter about that specific thing, accept that you’re cynical about certain aspects of life, but that doesn’t mean that I should be that in every other aspect of my life as well.

And this has been the fucking biblical realization in my life in the past few days, the fact that you can let go, you can change and when you do, you’ll feel better. And when you feel better, everything around you becomes better too. You can’t control everything that happens around you, but you damn sure can control how you choose to approach the curveballs life throws at you.

I know I will fall into the negative thinking traps many a times still on my way to more positive thinking, but I’m sure going to try my absolute everything to avoid it. It’s not rocket science, it’s a process, a path, a journey to better self knowledge and better life.

And I choose that path.



Hbd, bby

April 2nd, 2018

Happy 41st birthday to my precious carrot cupcake.