Archive for the ‘Crazyland’ Category

The knot is slipping

Monday, June 12th, 2017

Depression is a fucking bastard. It leads you to not only thinking you’re shit, like a total and complete waste of space, but it also makes you gather every bit of the little strength and willpower you have left and put it in coping, instead of doing really anything. To top it off, if you consider yourself as a functioning depressed sack of shit, like I do, for reasons, keeping up appearances eats away even more of your resources.

So as much as I have been wanting to write and blog and make edits and learn how to make gifs, I’ve had to focus the little of me that is left into a few more pressing matters. Like eating, because you need more than a look inside the fridge to keep yourself fuelled. And by more I mean actual food items, with, you know, nutrients and shit and not just fuelled like with self-hatred and self-doubt. So yea, eating. And trying to appear alright infront of all the people that are tired of hearing my shit (read: everyone in the whole fucking world) and running.

I’ve been keeping up with my running schedule, because I’ve realised that might be the only thing keeping me from actually getting into a state where I would be hospitalized. Yes, it’s that bad. So for those sorts of reasons I’ve been a fucking slacker when it comes to blogging (i really like blogging, i like rambling on about stupid things and oversharing online, i mean yea, i live for this shit and i feel bad for not doing it) and many other things as well.

I’m feeling the tiniest bits of better at the moment, I’m hoping this will be A Courseā„¢ for the time being and that I would be all good (for the moment) in a little while. I’m flying out to meet a friend this upcoming weekend and we’re just going to kick back and relax on Friday with maybe a beer or two (i don’t feel confident in drinking a lot). I’m having some anxiety-related issues with a small party-type of thing organized by my friend for Saturday, but I’m hoping I can like maybe escape to a dark corner if it gets to be too much. Then it’s going to be Midsummer feast on the next weekend and I’m doing fuck-all with the fam, so yay for that. And then it’s off to London for a long weekend with husband unit.

So yea, I’m still alive (oh -you, don’t sound so disappointed -me) and even if I was a bit unwell, I’m sort of getting better.

No

Sunday, March 12th, 2017

I’m so fucking tired it’s not even funny anymore. My head feels like there’s permanent disc defrag going on, it’s been like this for pretty much all of this year. And you know what?

((( DEFRAG INTENSIFIES )))

I’m just… I’m so ready to jump into a lake of fire.

I have tons of essays for school to write, I still have time, but not too much, considering the amount of work there is to be done. I have exams coming up and I literally can’t be arsed to do anything about any of them, because there are so many much more important and pressing things to be excited about. I’m just so tired of my own shit that it’s not even funny in any sort of way.

Fuck this brain, fuck this illness, fuck mania and particularly fuck everything.

Borderline

Tuesday, January 10th, 2017

I was going to be very productive and all with this blog, starting the first of January, but look how that’s gone. I’m blaming my moods again. I know I’m turning to mania again, becacuse obvious fucking signs. I’m annoyed at everything, I hate my life being stuck and I’m obsessing very badly over a celebrity. I wouldn’t be sleeping if it wasn’t for supplements.

So this is what my life is at the moment: I had a hissy fit yesterday to basically the whole world, because U2 announced The Joshua Tree 30 year anniversary tour and I can’t go, because they play like ten shows in Europe and none of them are even close to Finland. It’s not even my favourite album or anything, but I just… And I wanted to see Assassin’s Creed, but it seemed they’re not showing it anymore. (well they are, the news just in, buddy boy, so all that rage for nothing) and I was so fucking pissed off at that too.

So I had a hissy fit and just sat infront of the computer the whole evening, watching Centurion on Netflix and eating what was left of my stash of chocolate.

I know I’m pathetic. I just wish I had a normal functioning fucking brain.

Anxiety

Tuesday, November 15th, 2016

It feels like I’m currently 100% stress and 0% person. I honestly think that school has triggered an anxiety disorder on top of my bipolar. So it’s basically piling up, the mental illness. What a fucking hoot.

I have a shrink appointment tomorrow and I’m going to bring up my concerns about this. I sure hope they take me seriously. I’ve been an anxiety-ridden mess for the past three weeks and I know it’s partly due to spiraling down to a depressive episode, but really, this is just ridiculous.

I’ve taken up meditation and I find it helps at least a bit. And I’ve managed to sleep pretty well too, which helps as well, but it’s just that I don’t get enough sleep. The quality of sleep has improved very much after ditching the looney pills, but it means I don’t fall asleep so easily. I’ve found that the meditation thing helps with that too, tho. And I’ve been taking melatonine a couple of nights too just to ease the process of falling asleep. It does make me a bit foggy in the mornings, so I don’t use it too often.

The problem is I wake up in the morning and the anxiety is there almost immediately, and I have again started to worry about my health, which surely is unfounded and just a symptom of the anxiety.

This is hell and I want this to stop.

*screaming*

Wednesday, October 12th, 2016

I’m off my meds and I’m just…

I mean I’m supposed to be revising for my geology exam which is later today and is going to be really shitty, but I’m just looking at pictures of Julian Arahanga like