Archive for the ‘Crazyland’ Category

Anxiety

Tuesday, November 15th, 2016

It feels like I’m currently 100% stress and 0% person. I honestly think that school has triggered an anxiety disorder on top of my bipolar. So it’s basically piling up, the mental illness. What a fucking hoot.

I have a shrink appointment tomorrow and I’m going to bring up my concerns about this. I sure hope they take me seriously. I’ve been an anxiety-ridden mess for the past three weeks and I know it’s partly due to spiraling down to a depressive episode, but really, this is just ridiculous.

I’ve taken up meditation and I find it helps at least a bit. And I’ve managed to sleep pretty well too, which helps as well, but it’s just that I don’t get enough sleep. The quality of sleep has improved very much after ditching the looney pills, but it means I don’t fall asleep so easily. I’ve found that the meditation thing helps with that too, tho. And I’ve been taking melatonine a couple of nights too just to ease the process of falling asleep. It does make me a bit foggy in the mornings, so I don’t use it too often.

The problem is I wake up in the morning and the anxiety is there almost immediately, and I have again started to worry about my health, which surely is unfounded and just a symptom of the anxiety.

This is hell and I want this to stop.

*screaming*

Wednesday, October 12th, 2016

I’m off my meds and I’m just…

I mean I’m supposed to be revising for my geology exam which is later today and is going to be really shitty, but I’m just looking at pictures of Julian Arahanga like

Wat is this?

Monday, October 3rd, 2016

For the longest time ever I haven’t felt like writing. Like at all. I struggled to write a one-page introduction of myself and usually it takes me about three seconds to tell at considerable length how bloody good I am. And now it took me two hours to get it done. Ugh.

But the past couple of days… I started to read my old scribblings (not too old, mind you, not those embarrassingly raw snippets i’ve written when i was like fifteen, because like, no, keep them, but for fuck’s sake never read them, never ever) and I felt like I could actually write more. Like, write a sequel to Aotearoa (Karina & Tem 4eva!!! i’ve been thinking about them a lot in these few days) and/or maybe write something for either Road or for Other Side (Rainne & Daryl are my eternal otp!!1).

I don’t know what brought this on, but I have a sneaking suspicion.

Shrinks halved my dosage of anti-psychotics and it might be that it’s not enough to contain my mania after all even tho the original dosage was quite small to begin with. But I don’t care. I want to stop taking the bloody pills alltogether. I hate taking them and they make me so bloody drowsy in the mornings.

I feel alive for the first time in like… I don’t even know. Happy times.

State of the Nation: February

Wednesday, February 24th, 2016

During the final weeks of last year I had a really bad episode of anxiety. It was most likely an unpredicted swing in my mood and it was made worse by the fact that I had to drop the medication. I thought at the time the symptoms I was having were due to the anti-psychotics I was taking, but that remains to be seen. Early this year the anxiety finally loosened its grip on my brain and I was able to think at least somewhat rationally.

So two weeks ago I met with my therapist and a psychiatric and was put back on the same anti-psychotic I was taking all last autumn. It made me feel a whole lot better, I was able to accomplish things and able to live what I consider ‘a normal life’. The psychiatric suspected the symptoms might have had to do with my thyroid medication being all wonky.

And here I am, back on my (so far) favourite looney pill, making new plans and starting to feel like a proper person again. If these pills really work and there will be no side-effects (as suspected) I’ll be here a lot more, a lot more regularly and with loads of projects going on.

Here’s hoping.

State of the Nation

Sunday, January 17th, 2016

So as (the two of) you (still bothering) might have noticed, I didn’t update anything about christmas or indeed new year’s or anything up until mid-January.

I spiraled into a horrible anxiety-ridden depression in the beginning of December, when I had to give up my looney pills, once again because of side effects. There were also other issues regarding health that added to my anxiety and made the problem worse. But a little over a week ago things started to change.

I’m slowly trying to get better, I’m trying to hold my head above the surface.