Archive for the ‘Crazyland’ Category

Wat is this?

Monday, October 3rd, 2016

For the longest time ever I haven’t felt like writing. Like at all. I struggled to write a one-page introduction of myself and usually it takes me about three seconds to tell at considerable length how bloody good I am. And now it took me two hours to get it done. Ugh.

But the past couple of days… I started to read my old scribblings (not too old, mind you, not those embarrassingly raw snippets i’ve written when i was like fifteen, because like, no, keep them, but for fuck’s sake never read them, never ever) and I felt like I could actually write more. Like, write a sequel to Aotearoa (Karina & Tem 4eva!!! i’ve been thinking about them a lot in these few days) and/or maybe write something for either Road or for Other Side (Rainne & Daryl are my eternal otp!!1).

I don’t know what brought this on, but I have a sneaking suspicion.

Shrinks halved my dosage of anti-psychotics and it might be that it’s not enough to contain my mania after all even tho the original dosage was quite small to begin with. But I don’t care. I want to stop taking the bloody pills alltogether. I hate taking them and they make me so bloody drowsy in the mornings.

I feel alive for the first time in like… I don’t even know. Happy times.

State of the Nation: February

Wednesday, February 24th, 2016

During the final weeks of last year I had a really bad episode of anxiety. It was most likely an unpredicted swing in my mood and it was made worse by the fact that I had to drop the medication. I thought at the time the symptoms I was having were due to the anti-psychotics I was taking, but that remains to be seen. Early this year the anxiety finally loosened its grip on my brain and I was able to think at least somewhat rationally.

So two weeks ago I met with my therapist and a psychiatric and was put back on the same anti-psychotic I was taking all last autumn. It made me feel a whole lot better, I was able to accomplish things and able to live what I consider ‘a normal life’. The psychiatric suspected the symptoms might have had to do with my thyroid medication being all wonky.

And here I am, back on my (so far) favourite looney pill, making new plans and starting to feel like a proper person again. If these pills really work and there will be no side-effects (as suspected) I’ll be here a lot more, a lot more regularly and with loads of projects going on.

Here’s hoping.

State of the Nation

Sunday, January 17th, 2016

So as (the two of) you (still bothering) might have noticed, I didn’t update anything about christmas or indeed new year’s or anything up until mid-January.

I spiraled into a horrible anxiety-ridden depression in the beginning of December, when I had to give up my looney pills, once again because of side effects. There were also other issues regarding health that added to my anxiety and made the problem worse. But a little over a week ago things started to change.

I’m slowly trying to get better, I’m trying to hold my head above the surface.

Stigma

Friday, November 6th, 2015

Ever since I was diagnosed with bipolar I disorder, I’ve been pretty open about it. I for instance have never felt the need to whisper in the chemists when picking up my medication, nor have I failed to report to for instance a dentist that I’m taking meds for this particular mental illness. I’ve told pretty much all my friends about it and have mostly been getting good feedback about it.

Why?

Because I think it’s high time people stopped thinking mental illnesses as some kind of taboo. I hate the stigma that mentally ill people still get in the society. People give you looks and expect you to be a raving lunatic just because you go to a therapist. No. We are pretty average people, who just have chemical imbalance on our brain. Sometimes it makes us act a little different from you, but it might as well be that you don’t even notice it.

It’s also the stereotypes that need to be done away with. Depression isn’t feeling unhappy all the time. Depression is the fear that happiness never returns. Depressed people can laugh and go out, but they can also be locked up inside, not being able to muster the courage to get out of bed. It’s not like they wouldn’t want to go out, it’s just when the mere thought of putting shoes on is so exhausting that you’d rather stay in bed.

Mania isn’t just feeling high and happy and accomplishing things superfast. It’s feeling irritated because people in your life move too slow, things happen too slowly and everything is too damn slow and you’re so full of life that you feel like you’ll burst. It can be very painful mixed episode, where your thoughts run amok but they’re bad thoughts.

But most of the time we bipolar crazies look like normal, everyday people, we deal with the same shit you do and we go on living much like you do.

So please, stop the stigma. We’re people, not our disorder.

Never say never

Saturday, September 5th, 2015

When doctors (even shrinks count as doctors, mind you) tell you to basically stop being a little bitch and take your medicine, you should listen.

As all (three) of you might remember, I started to take some medication for my illness back in February (or something) and then quit about two months later. I quit because I felt like it was dragging me down and all that. Turns out it didn’t drag me down, but instead kept me perfectly functional and feeling surprisingly well. You might have noticed me not writing anything here after May.

After a lot of soul searching, conversations with spousal unit (bless ‘im) and a few things broken because of my rages of biblical proportions, I gave up trying to live au naturel with my condition. It’s just not working. I’m dragging myself down and taking damn near everyone important in my life with me.

So here I am, a few days on anti-psychotics and already feeling like returning to normal broadcasting.

It feels good to be back. Fingers crossed I’ll be more responsible this time.