Archive for the ‘Me’ Category

Changing

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2018

I’ve been talking a lot here (well, when i’ve been doing talking at all) about how I’m changing my life this year. Changing it probably because I’m hitting forty in October and as a thought it feels terrifying, but also somehow comforting. I’ve made it through four decades of life just bullshitting my way around it, and there’s no guarantee how much bullshitting I still have ahead of me. (look at me being all snarky and hiding my existential crisis lol) I have been all about physical changes, but I’ve come to realize I need to change my way of thinking as well. It’s all in the head, they say and I’m slowly beginning to understand that they, whoever they are, are right.

In the past few days I’ve been thinking about this a lot, about how I view the world and how I view myself, and in general the life, everything that happens around me. I’ve never been much of a positive thinker, I’m rather a hardened cyniscist, always snarking on everyone’s happiness. I have noticed a change in me, in the past -I don’t know- a year? Two years? slow change that I’m certain has to do with age, in a sense that I actually think I’ve grown. I hesitate to say I’ve matured, because that somehow (at least to me) implies a sort of hierarchy, and I’m not about that. I’d like to think that where in many cases I may still be the stubborn teen who sees everything in black and white, I’ve found some … softness? grace? mercy? in me, as I’ve grown older. The most tangible example I can give is when there was a need for support for anything in the interent community (look at me swerving around saying fandom and trying to sound Wise™ ), there were always people who said “I’m praying for you”. Up until maybe five years ago, I got a bit angry even and was very keen to tell everyone that I wasn’t a believer and that meant literally nothing. Lately tho, I’ve started to realise it’s really not a thing to get angry about. If people feel like they are genuinelly doing good by praying for me and it gives them a tangible way in their minds to help and support, it’s nothing to get angry about. I say thank you and accept their prayers. I may not think they’re worth two shits as I’m an atheist, but they do no harm to anyone either. I can make those people happy by saying thank you instead of hurting people unnecessarily with harsh words over a matter that doesn’t hurt anyone in any way. (this isn’t to say that when politicians, who are in the position to actually do something, should stick to ‘thoughts and prayers’ but that’s a whole another angry rant which i might get to later on)

So in that sense I’ve become more flexible and lo and and behold, it makes me feel better in the process, because there’s one less thing I need to be angry about. Because being angry is fucking consuming.

Don’t get me wrong tho, there is a time and a place for grudges and planning revenges and not forgiving, but when a thing is of a trivial nature to yourself, you shouldn’t waste time on being angry about it. You’ll do much better just sort of brushing it off, getting over it and moving along.

But negative thinking can be and is in most cases a trap. A self-powering vicious cycle, and it’s so easy to fall into it, especially if you’ve been spiraling in that for most of your life. I have, and whilst I admit I have a few good reasons to be cynical and bitter, I should point out that it doesn’t mean I should be cynical and bitter about every single fucking thing in my life. Sure, be bitter about that specific thing, accept that you’re cynical about certain aspects of life, but that doesn’t mean that I should be that in every other aspect of my life as well.

And this has been the fucking biblical realization in my life in the past few days, the fact that you can let go, you can change and when you do, you’ll feel better. And when you feel better, everything around you becomes better too. You can’t control everything that happens around you, but you damn sure can control how you choose to approach the curveballs life throws at you.

I know I will fall into the negative thinking traps many a times still on my way to more positive thinking, but I’m sure going to try my absolute everything to avoid it. It’s not rocket science, it’s a process, a path, a journey to better self knowledge and better life.

And I choose that path.

Update

Friday, March 30th, 2018

I’ve been poorly lately, down with some kind of Death-Cough 9000. I thought I’d beaten it after taking a two-week break from training, but alas. I went to one zumba class and one combat class and off we go again.

Today I’ve felt like lukewarm death, so I’ve been reading every damn magazine in this house and whilst I’m feeling somewhat like maybe a third of a person right at this moment, I’ve been doing some thinking. Mainly thinking of making a new layout for this site.

Thinking.

Because I’m absolutely not in the condition to stare at pixels at the moment. I’m feeling capable of sipping tea, orange juice and maybe nip on a sarnie. But that’s it. And I’m gonna watch Twin Peaks – Fire Walk With Me later tonight.

Here’s to getting better and getting back to the proverbial saddle on quite literally everything.

Feelgood

Tuesday, March 6th, 2018

I don’t know if I’ve told about this before or not (probably not, because i’ve been busy and shit) but at the start of this year I decided to make some changes into my daily life. At first I thought about making a gradual change, but we all know I’m not about that shit. I need to change everything to succeed in any one thing.

So that’s what I did.

I started to watch more carefully what I eat (ok, let’s be real here, i started to actually give a shit about my eating) and I dropped (as per challenge) sweets, biscuits, cakes and the likes as well as any junk food totally off, for 100 days. It’s now day 65, and I had to check that from my calendar. It has mostly been quite effortless, even tho when the kid discovered my stash of Quality Streets from the Cupboard of Plenty and demanded one, I had a bit of a struggle with myself to not just snag one up. Because if there’s a type of sweet I love, it’s Quality Street. But I’ve had it quite easy to say no to other things on the Verboten List. Exepct yesterday my mother-in-law had a birthday and the cake looked and smelled absolutely delicious. But I said no and thanked myself later. Junk food has been of a zero effort to say no to, but that was expected as it hasn’t really been a thing to regularly get any. I’m missing biscuits something terrible tho, like if I could have just one hobnob, that would be grand. But alas.

But so far I’ve liked the fact that I actually seem to be shifting my view on snackage with tea. I don’t feel like I’ve needed anything to go with my cuppa for the vast majority of times. I mean, when I’m at home, I’ve no need to take a biccie or anything with my cuppa, but I’ve sort of felt obligated to do so when visiting people. Not anymore. I feel like I can say no thank you today and take a bite the next time around. Idk, I like feeling like this.

Included in my habit changes was to up the amount of excercise I get. For the final five months of 2017 the most exercise I got was basically when I walked to and fro from my locker at work. Now I’m doing a variety of things to keep me moving. I’ve changed from one gym to another and found myself in the arms of LesMills again. And I love it. My current gym offers both live instructed and virtual combats and that gives me so much freedom to choose when I go in. And the range of virtual exercises they have is staggering. So it’s no wonder I’m finding myself there five times a week. (ok i’ve tried zumba after three? five? years of absence and it seemed like a good idea at first, but now, after just five weeks i find myself cringing at the music 87% of the time and i honestly don’t think it’s worth the suffering. i get my groove on with much harder music and it has come to this: i’m more of a sweat-til-you-drown -type of mover, who’da thunk)

I’ve also started to keep a record of daily weather on my calendar and I’ve sort of gotten a more structured view on my daily life in there as well. I’ve set up a cleaning list so I can stop being overwhelmed by cleaning the whole fucking house at once, like before. I’ve chopped the tasks in bits and spread them (moderately) evenly around a week. I can’t believe I haven’t thought about this before. I’m keeping track of my eating and also my finances quite meticulously, and as a result I’ve paid my credit card off, am close to paying off my last bit of student loan and have lost roughly 30 pounds since January 1st.

So how’s that for a fucking change.

Year in review, 2017 edition

Sunday, December 31st, 2017

A year ago I was adamant on taking 2017 by the throat and curb-stomping it, if it tried to fuck with me. It probably hasn’t, at least as much as 2016 did, but I still can’t say I’d be too sad to see this year die.

I’ve had a lot of good moments this year. I went to my darling London with my husband, met Adam who is an awesome guy, I’ve made a few friends over Instagram and cut some poisonous people out of my life. I’ve been mostly in love with Fassbend(me ov)er, but I still haven’t forgot to squee over Kinnaman (come on, the trailers for Altered Carbon are something else, man). Being in the Fassy fandom has brought me so many laughs because people are complete dorks and it’s brought me so many happy moments, because people have been incredibly kind to eachother. I’ve managed to land myself a job that I like and I’m capable of doing, despite my crippled mind. And I’ve started taking new medication for my illness, which has brought me some much needed mental stability, at least for now. I have been writing a lot, mostly working on one of my most ambitious fiction works to this day, but I’ve also exercised in smaller pieces, some lost ideas and I’ve tried new ways of writing. I’ve also laid ground work for my secret business dream and I have sort of high hopes for it for this year.

On the other hand, I set myself a bunch of goals, all well within my limitations, but I haven’t met single one of those. I can partly blame my unmedicated mind for it, but I can’t completely relieve myself from responsibility. I’ve been a terrible slag the whole year, when it comes to blogging, staying healthy and exercising. I mean I’m not in the worst of shapes, I did run 5k runs throughout most of the summer, but I could’ve done way better than that.

So this year, I’ll set pretty much the same goals, but instead of just diving in head first, I’ll do what has helped me before: plan it all out. What will be different this time is the fact that I’m (reasonably) sane at this moment, and I know in what I failed this past year. So it’s all a process of learning. I know how not to approach reaching my goals, but can try a different method. I need to set my sights on smaller steps and not try to manage the big picture in my everyday life, that shit didn’t fly. So instead of thinking what will be in three months time, or in six months, I’ll focus every morning to the next 24 hours ahead of me and only compare myself to the person I was the day before.

I have also picked a mantra for 2018. It’s a simple thing, but it’s effective:

Want it? Work fucking harder.

Update

Friday, November 17th, 2017

Hi hello.

I have been poorly lately, but I’m on the mend.
I have started at a new job, which I love and I’m on new medication for my bipolar.
I will be back for more on a later date.
Cheers,
me