Archive for the ‘Pointless whining’ Category

Everything hurts. No literally

Saturday, March 4th, 2017

And when I say everything, I mean everything. And I haven’t even seen Logan yet.

I’ve been suffering not only mentally (raging mania), but physically as well. My upper back and really neck and shoulders have been in almost constant pain and state of proper stuck for weeks now. It’s gone from bad (back in late october last year) to worse (beginning of this year) to fucking infernal (the last few weeks). My arms hurt from time to time so bad that I can’t even leave them just hanging, but instead have to support them. They go numb and lose their power frequently. It’s not helping that I have to sit and type on the computer way more than usual, because I have twentyseven million essays to write for school and I have to sit in here for a gruelling number of lectures.

I have painkillers, believe me I’ve taken anything I can get my hands on. But it’s only so much they help. I went to the doctor three weeks ago and she sent me to get x-rays but har har, it’s been over two weeks from when they took them and I’ve still no results. And as a result of having no results, I’ve had no help at all.

This whole thing is making me very irritable, because it’s bloody awful to try and be nice when everything, literally everything hurts so fucking much.

But yea. Here’s hoping I can get the damn results next week. Ugh. *cries*

2016, fuck you

Friday, December 30th, 2016

Yea, fuck you right up the ass, you fucking bitch of a year.

You’ve given the world a rabid Cheeto as supposedly the most powerful man in the world. You’ve taken a lot of my favourite artists. And you’ve given me a whole hell of a lot of anxiety, worse than it’s ever been.

So yea, forget about the positive year-end reviews, there’s been like two good things, Suicide Squad, which in all honesty wasn’t a mind-blowing mastepiece of cinema, but it worked for me rather well, and then there was Rogue One, which was a bloody masterpiece in every single way one can imagine. It was marvellous and I loved it so much it’s not healthy.

But it was a terrible year all in all. Started out with Bowie dying. I wasn’t the biggest fan, but I surely can appreciate he was an icon and as such, his death was a great loss to the world. Then there was Alan Rickman, whose death was so devastating to many of my close friends, that it made it hit hard for me as well. One of those friends was someone, who just before Christmas on this cursed Cthulhu-excrement of a year lost her father, a man I used to call my spare-dad, because we were like sisters through much of my childhood and teenage years. So yea, fuck you 2016.

I had the most terrible episodes of anxiety I’ve ever had towards the end of the year. I couldn’t go to a shop at all for weeks. I wasn’t even able to think about going to a shop without feeling like I was suffocating. I do not know, to this day, what caused it, but I suspect it was the stress of school. It’s really promising to be good next spring, because there’ll be loads more to do with school, so I will not -in all honesty- be the least bit surprised if I have to be hospitalized this coming spring, due to anxiety and my bipolar spiralling out of hand.

And talking about bipolar, one of the biggest reasons I stopped being afraid of my illness and started talking openly about it, Carrie Fisher, the spacemom the world deserved, died on December 27th. I was still in shock about the death of George Michael, of whom I wasn’t either the biggest fan, but a fan still. I have to get back to both Carrie and George on separate posts, because they both deserve it, playing a large part on my life.

I’m going to stay up past midnight on the 31st of December just to see 2016 die. And fuck all of this next year positivity. I’m going to grab 2017 by the throat and curb stomp them if they decide to fuck with me because I have had Itâ„¢.

No zen for you

Monday, September 21st, 2015

These days those wellbeing gurus keep on yapping how one should live in the now and not worry about past or future or really anything. It’s supposed to make one feel less stressed and give one a feeling of serenity.

Bollocks.

I’ve tried that and all it made me was more anxious than ever. I’m one of those people who worries about the future and needs to have not only plan B but also up to at least plan F. And at this moment I’m on like plan X and I still feel like shit.

Everybody keeps telling me that things will get better with the kid (who’s being an obnoxious ass) and all I have strength to do is ask “when, bitch?”. I’m tired of waiting. My nerves are completely wrecked and I’m tired all the time and snapping at people. People keep telling me I should enjoy these times because they’ll be short. Well not short enough for me. I’m not going to miss any of this, not one time washing the damn bottles, not one time changing a nappy and certainly not one time of waking up in the middle of the night just to guess what the problem might be this time.

Why can’t it be next year already? Why can’t I have nice things?

How to Adult, episode 1

Saturday, September 12th, 2015

I’ve been faced with the fact that I’m an irresponsible person, when it comes to handling finances. To be fair tho, I am irresponsible in many other ways as well, but I digress. Today I’ve put my credit card on the shelf and I’m not to touch it until I’ve paid it off. At this moment it looks like it’s gonna be early next year, but I’m not sure.

Which is why I’m doing what responsible adults do: I’m making a budget for myself.

You might ask why, and I shall tell you that yes, I have a goal for which I’m saving for. Next summer, a motorcycle ride to Trollstigen, Norway with husband, my bestie and her husband. I have to have my credit card fully loaded, so I don’t have to fumble about with three currencies. It’s going to be a week long ride there and back and it will cost a small fortune to fill tanks in Norway.

But I have time, I have at least eight months to get my finances sorted and that is why I’m making a budget and sticking to it. I want to at least seem like an adult. I’m listing my monthly income (not a lot) and then listing monthly expenses (insurance, medication (thank fuck i have cheap ass drugs), student loan etc.). Simple subtraction will leave me with euros to spend on food (hello strickt diet you will save me some serious dough and i will lose some serious chunk) and everything else. Also I’m budgeting some of my income to a savings account, for the trip and for the rainy day.

How are you handling your finances? Any tips for me?

Exhausted

Thursday, April 16th, 2015

Sometimes life has the ability to throw a curveball at you. And it usually comes in a time where you’re least prepared to handle the aftermath. Which -let’s face it, we’re not major league baseball pros, any of us- usually is a complete clusterfuck of everything and you end up feeling like a juggler with one or ten too many balls in the air.

I have Lego Pirates for my 3DS unopened. I’ve yet to finish my Lego Star Wars. And Lego Harry Potter. My house looks like a small but effective bomb exploded inside and of course I’m hosting a party on Saturday. To which I’ve promised to bake a cake. Thank fuck everyone’s pitching in on the eatings, I’d be doomed otherwise.

I could manage all of this, would this be the usual time of let’s say two years ago.

But it’s not.

Enter curveball: child teething, hence being difficult and craving almost every second of my day.

So I’ve had to make some adjustments in the daily routines. I have the choice of either blogging about all the things I have on my blog planner. Or keep my sanity and keep the child from screaming his head off.

We’ll see eachother, most likely soon, but I’m not making any solemn promises.