Archive for the ‘Fucking fuck’ Category

2016, fuck you

Friday, December 30th, 2016

Yea, fuck you right up the ass, you fucking bitch of a year.

You’ve given the world a rabid Cheeto as supposedly the most powerful man in the world. You’ve taken a lot of my favourite artists. And you’ve given me a whole hell of a lot of anxiety, worse than it’s ever been.

So yea, forget about the positive year-end reviews, there’s been like two good things, Suicide Squad, which in all honesty wasn’t a mind-blowing mastepiece of cinema, but it worked for me rather well, and then there was Rogue One, which was a bloody masterpiece in every single way one can imagine. It was marvellous and I loved it so much it’s not healthy.

But it was a terrible year all in all. Started out with Bowie dying. I wasn’t the biggest fan, but I surely can appreciate he was an icon and as such, his death was a great loss to the world. Then there was Alan Rickman, whose death was so devastating to many of my close friends, that it made it hit hard for me as well. One of those friends was someone, who just before Christmas on this cursed Cthulhu-excrement of a year lost her father, a man I used to call my spare-dad, because we were like sisters through much of my childhood and teenage years. So yea, fuck you 2016.

I had the most terrible episodes of anxiety I’ve ever had towards the end of the year. I couldn’t go to a shop at all for weeks. I wasn’t even able to think about going to a shop without feeling like I was suffocating. I do not know, to this day, what caused it, but I suspect it was the stress of school. It’s really promising to be good next spring, because there’ll be loads more to do with school, so I will not -in all honesty- be the least bit surprised if I have to be hospitalized this coming spring, due to anxiety and my bipolar spiralling out of hand.

And talking about bipolar, one of the biggest reasons I stopped being afraid of my illness and started talking openly about it, Carrie Fisher, the spacemom the world deserved, died on December 27th. I was still in shock about the death of George Michael, of whom I wasn’t either the biggest fan, but a fan still. I have to get back to both Carrie and George on separate posts, because they both deserve it, playing a large part on my life.

I’m going to stay up past midnight on the 31st of December just to see 2016 die. And fuck all of this next year positivity. I’m going to grab 2017 by the throat and curb stomp them if they decide to fuck with me because I have had Itâ„¢.

Anxiety

Tuesday, November 15th, 2016

It feels like I’m currently 100% stress and 0% person. I honestly think that school has triggered an anxiety disorder on top of my bipolar. So it’s basically piling up, the mental illness. What a fucking hoot.

I have a shrink appointment tomorrow and I’m going to bring up my concerns about this. I sure hope they take me seriously. I’ve been an anxiety-ridden mess for the past three weeks and I know it’s partly due to spiraling down to a depressive episode, but really, this is just ridiculous.

I’ve taken up meditation and I find it helps at least a bit. And I’ve managed to sleep pretty well too, which helps as well, but it’s just that I don’t get enough sleep. The quality of sleep has improved very much after ditching the looney pills, but it means I don’t fall asleep so easily. I’ve found that the meditation thing helps with that too, tho. And I’ve been taking melatonine a couple of nights too just to ease the process of falling asleep. It does make me a bit foggy in the mornings, so I don’t use it too often.

The problem is I wake up in the morning and the anxiety is there almost immediately, and I have again started to worry about my health, which surely is unfounded and just a symptom of the anxiety.

This is hell and I want this to stop.

Euro 2016

Friday, July 8th, 2016

I don’t even know if I’m going to watch the final. It’s Portugal vs France and let me tell u it’ll be a cold day in hell when I’ll root for neither. Especially Portugal. Or France.

I would’ve liked for Germany to be in the final and not just because Mats Hummels (who is a hottie), but because I have a soft spot for team Germany. For god knows why.

So boo.

Guess what

Sunday, January 4th, 2015

Christmas ended up being a pain in the ass.

Quelle surprise.

Today

Wednesday, January 8th, 2014

Today is the third day of my super-strickt diet and I’ve never ever evarrr craved bread so badly. Seriously. I actually sniffed my husband’s bread and nearly weeped.

But I will be strong. It will be easier after like two more days, I suppose.

Also today I got my septum pierced and MY FUCKING GOD it hurt like nothing else. Jesus fucking christ why does a human being do such things to self? My nose is kinda sore-ish at the moment, but it’s nothing that I couldn’t handle. It’s just that at times it stings, because hello, it’s a wound and -there’s no getting around it- snot is salty and that’s not a nice combination. Ow. Ow ow ow.

But I think I’m liking it. Yes. The piercing, not the stings, mind you.