Archive for the ‘Feels’ Category

U2 and why it hurts

Wednesday, March 15th, 2017

My lovely Peej from tumblr started a project in which she collects little snippets out of U2 songs, she calls them aphorisms and I call them snippets, because I’m a vulgar. She says

I don’t know if all of these can really be considered aphorisms. To me, some of them are kind of prayerful, some are little epiphanies, and some are bitter observations.

And I’m here for these. I’m so here for these, because this one time, a long time ago (in a galaxy far far away) I bought the newly released album How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb and I listened to it a lot. A LOT. I remember driving around a few nights, crying like a lost child (for matters unrelated to U2) and listening to mostly a song called A Man and A Woman. Yea I know, what a shitty title. There’s a part of the lyric that goes

The only pain is to feel nothing at all
How can I hurt when I’m holding you?

and when you first listen to it (is this a good time to remind you guys that lyrics are the last part of a song that i pay attention to? well) you think oh, that’s nice, he feels so much for her that it’s a ridiculous idea to feel any pain holding her. And that’s what I thought of it, because that’s what the rest of the lyrics imply. Until one sleepless night (one of several, i remember) I sat at my desk, probably reading something stupid or writing something stupid or generally doing something stupid, when it hit me. The other way of reading that bit of lyric. Like it is an actual question, how can I hurt when I’m holding you? How is it possible that I’m hurting when I’m holding you. That other way. And I fucking lost it, I was lying on the floor, holding on to the carpet, trying not to drown in my feels. Because really, have you ever felt so hollow, so numb that you felt nothing? Imagine feeling like that when you hold someone you thought you loved. I mean… fuck.

Anyways, on the first list of Peej’s aphorisms (the one before wasn’t, these are) are a few lines that may or may not end up as tattoos on my toilet wall of a skin. The first one is again from A Man and A Woman. (peej even dedicated this to me, i mean really, how awesome are my internet people? they get me, ya feel me?)

When the soul wants, the soul waits.

This is very personal to me, it hits home so devastatingly hard. I will not in any circumstances tell how or why, but it just does. It’s gut-wrenching and my heart feels like it’s being food-processed, but it’s important to me.

The other that is very particular to me is from City of Blinding Lights (another favourite of mine from How to Dismantle)

I’ve seen you walk unafraid.

It’s really a callout for myself. I used to be so unafraid, I used to be outgoing and social and all that. And I’m not anymore. I’m afraid all of the time that I’m not enough, or that I’m too much. I used to be so unapologetically me, the muppet that I am. But now? It seems like everytime I get excited about things, I’m the only one and I get these dubious looks from everyone (except my internet people) and I find myself wanting to just live as a recluse in my home. When did I start caring? When did I start giving a fuck? I want to see myself walking unafraid again. I need to see myself walking unafraid again.

There are a few other lines, not on her list (not yet at least) that are very, very meaningful to me. One of my absolute favourites is

When I was all messed up
And I had opera in my head
Your love was a light bulb
Hanging over my bed

from Ultra Violet. A lyric that has saved my life from a song that has saved my life from the album that has saved my life. All the darkness that was surrounding me and the one light in there, the one that kept me going, the one that held me through it all.


I love you ’cause I need to, not because I need you

from Luminous Times and it fucking makes me weep. Once again, very personal on a very core level. It’s a fundamental truth I once realised about myself and that’s all I have to say about that.

And if I could tattoo the feeling that the song The Unforgettable Fire gives me, I would. I can feel my fucking soul ascending hearing that song. It’s hope after despair, it’s a light in the dark, it’s forgiveness after you’ve fucked up everything.

And these are among the reasons that U2 hurts so bad, yet so good. If you’ve never loved a band passionately, you won’t be able to understand this.

But if you have, you do.

No, pt II

Monday, March 13th, 2017

I’ve been so unstable the whole of today (well, really yesterday as i notice looking at the time, but whatever, i haven’t been sleeping so it’s still officially today in my books) that it really is a miracle I’ve not ran to a field to scream for an hour. Or ten.

I finished up a birthday project thingywotsit, a thing that was supposed to be a drawing, but ended up being a letter and I already got some feedback on it and it made me feel very good about myself. I’ve been on a Twitter rampage, because I can’t really rage on Facebook, because that’s just stupid. Twitter is, when you’re not hashtaging, like shouting into the void and that’s pretty much what I want most of the times with my rants. It serves my purpose of the inexplicable need to have a public meltdown. I’ve been engaging in a lovely conversation with a fellow U2er over at tumblr and even tho I think it’s a blue hellsite, the people are wonderful, they’re lovely and they sometimes contribute a lot to keeping me at least somewhat sane.

So thank you, internet people. Once again you’ve come to my rescue.

About George Michael

Wednesday, January 4th, 2017

When I was something around ten years, we got a big stereo system, the kind that everyone wanted in the golden age of everything, the 80’s. Along with it came a selection of cd’s, because hey, cd’s were breaking in here in Finland at that time, so they wanted to sell cd players and you know the drill. One of those albums was Wham’s greatest hits or something, I can’t remember for the life of me what album it was or if it indeed was some compilation unknown to mankind in anywhere else except Finland. I’m guessing my sister has the album still? Probably, can’t see my dad having it. Mom maybe. Hmm. But I digress.

I was in that point of my life that I loved cartoons (and Miles Davis, but let’s not get into that) more than pop music. But in that album was a song I liked, The Edge of Heaven. It’s possibly the only Wham! song I can listen to without having to grind my teeth in agony (yes, people, this includes Careless Whisper and Last Christmas too, i do not like either of them). I remember liking that one, but not much else on that album.

Then I got a little older and we got MTV (which was still a proper music channel, pay attention kids, this was true for several years in the 90’s). I heard Faith, but I wasn’t much into it. Instead, Father Figure was an excellent song that gave me proper chills right from the start, even if I was a wee nipper, sorta. I truly learned to value that song when I was about 13 or maybe 14, when the Puberty™ hit and I started to write shit. Particularly I loved -and still love with all my heart- is the bridge bit or C-part, whatever you want to call it, the one where it goes “If you are the desert – I’ll be the sea, if you ever hunger – hunger for me, whatever you ask for that’s what I’ll be. So when you remember the ones who have lied, who said that they cared but then laughed as you cried, beautiful darling, don’t think of me because all I ever wanted, it’s in your eyes baby, baby and love can’t lie, no. Greet me with the eyes of a child. My love is always telling me so. Heaven is a kiss and a smile.” That bit. My word. It’s brilliant, marvellous, everything.

I thought for the longest time my favourite album of George’s was the next one, Listen Without Prejudice Pt. 1, mostly because I listened (and watched, holy shit but was that video amazing all those beautiful women damn the 90’s was the shit) to Freedom and Praying for Time way too much. Turns out, I’ve found this out later on, maybe as late as on the dreadful day of December 25th of the last (bugger of a ) year, 2016, when George died and everyone and their budgies started posting videos on Facebook, that indeed my favourite album all in all is Older.

Older, mate, that album. There are so many good songs. I remember the MTV EMA’s of ’96, Star People and that motherfucking mirrorball clown car. That was the suavest shit I’d ever laid my eyes upon, and this coming from a person who’d seen every goddamn episode of Miami Vice. Fastlove? That was basically my life at that time, all for fast love, me. It just hit home so fucking hard it’s not even funny. Then there is Jesus to a Child, so chillingly beautiful I suspect I can never listen to it without breaking apart a little, I mean have you fucking heard it? The lyrics? Strangest Thing, the song that has such an unreal vibe to it. Spinning the Wheel… Oh man. I could go on for probably about a decade.

I’ve also liked his later works, Outside and I sort of think I’m the only one on planet Earth that actually likes Freeek!. The latest song of his I’ve found exceptional, was White Light.

So, I was never the biggest fan and I probably wouldn’t recognize a lot of his songs from the get go (surely after he starts singing), but I was a casual fan, who appreciated his music a lot. I’m very sorry that he had to suffer depression and I do think it might have been what ultimately caused his untimely death.

George, I will miss you dearly.


Wednesday, October 12th, 2016

I’m off my meds and I’m just…

I mean I’m supposed to be revising for my geology exam which is later today and is going to be really shitty, but I’m just looking at pictures of Julian Arahanga like

The bartending years

Thursday, October 6th, 2016

A friend of mine had her birthday today and one of her friends posted a birthday picture on her wall on Facebook and in the comments something was said and it brought to my mind some things that are basically Ancient History™ and therefore you’ll inevitably get to hear about them.

When I was sixteen-ish, I had a crush on this guy, who lived in an apartment building next to the building my best friend lived. Why I had a crush on such a random guy? Probably because he looked a bit like Bono. We used to call him Bono II up until the point when we got to know his name. Well, actually we called him Bono II even after that, because hello, codenames and secrecy and everything teen-aged-girl.

Well, turned out he owned a bar and after long and winding turns of events, I ended up bartending in that joint. I loved that wreck of a bar. It was the first bar I went the evening I turned 18 and was legally allowed to mainline beer and get publically plastered. It was also the first bar I got so plastered in I ended up arse over tits several times on my way home (i also took a little nap under a bush one time or another, because i was too drunk to crawl all the way home, ahh those more innocent times, hm). It was a bar suitable for geeks like me, who liked to dye their hair in colors unimaginable and wear makeup that could only be described as hhmhmmh… interesting. I’m so glad selfies didn’t exist back then.

I made a lot of friends there and I’m not ashamed to say I had a bit of a thing going on with one of the other bartenders in there. To be fair tho, half the town had had a bit of a thing going with him at some point or another, but hey, it takes one to know one, you know, so no name calling.

What I remember most about that bar and all of the gang there (including the owners) is that more often than not, we would be at ours until the closing time (at 2 am) and then work our way by some means or another (this sometimes included drunk driving by some (i swear it wasn’t me) and i’m not very proud of these moments, but shit happened and that’s that) to the other one, in our minds the better one, of the local nightclubs. We couldn’t go to the other one because one person in our group was engaged to a person working in that club and this person just couldn’t be there drunk, because of reasons (look, i’m trying to be polite and not say this guy went crazy over anything with a vagina and preferrebly a pulse when he got drunk but i see there’s no getting around it, sorry). And in that better nightclub we sometimes ended up doing the conga line (blame the dj) around the bar and drinking ourselves even more attractive than we already were.

I remember once, during one Migration of The Drunk™, my boss almost got into a fight with a bunch of farmers and we all had to leg it. And this one time, after a tattoo happening at the bar, there was an evening of boozing for the staff and someone threw a carrot that hit me right on the forehead (yes, one of those wtf moments) and after getting sufficiently drunk we all headed up to a fair where the boss man said he’d pay for us all and he was so motherfucking cute driving the bumper cars that I was sure I was gonna die. Ugh.

Oh mate, they were some good times, the short while they lasted.