Archive for the ‘Shut up Rika’ Category


Tuesday, April 3rd, 2018

I’ve been talking a lot here (well, when i’ve been doing talking at all) about how I’m changing my life this year. Changing it probably because I’m hitting forty in October and as a thought it feels terrifying, but also somehow comforting. I’ve made it through four decades of life just bullshitting my way around it, and there’s no guarantee how much bullshitting I still have ahead of me. (look at me being all snarky and hiding my existential crisis lol) I have been all about physical changes, but I’ve come to realize I need to change my way of thinking as well. It’s all in the head, they say and I’m slowly beginning to understand that they, whoever they are, are right.

In the past few days I’ve been thinking about this a lot, about how I view the world and how I view myself, and in general the life, everything that happens around me. I’ve never been much of a positive thinker, I’m rather a hardened cyniscist, always snarking on everyone’s happiness. I have noticed a change in me, in the past -I don’t know- a year? Two years? slow change that I’m certain has to do with age, in a sense that I actually think I’ve grown. I hesitate to say I’ve matured, because that somehow (at least to me) implies a sort of hierarchy, and I’m not about that. I’d like to think that where in many cases I may still be the stubborn teen who sees everything in black and white, I’ve found some … softness? grace? mercy? in me, as I’ve grown older. The most tangible example I can give is when there was a need for support for anything in the interent community (look at me swerving around saying fandom and trying to sound Wise™ ), there were always people who said “I’m praying for you”. Up until maybe five years ago, I got a bit angry even and was very keen to tell everyone that I wasn’t a believer and that meant literally nothing. Lately tho, I’ve started to realise it’s really not a thing to get angry about. If people feel like they are genuinelly doing good by praying for me and it gives them a tangible way in their minds to help and support, it’s nothing to get angry about. I say thank you and accept their prayers. I may not think they’re worth two shits as I’m an atheist, but they do no harm to anyone either. I can make those people happy by saying thank you instead of hurting people unnecessarily with harsh words over a matter that doesn’t hurt anyone in any way. (this isn’t to say that when politicians, who are in the position to actually do something, should stick to ‘thoughts and prayers’ but that’s a whole another angry rant which i might get to later on)

So in that sense I’ve become more flexible and lo and and behold, it makes me feel better in the process, because there’s one less thing I need to be angry about. Because being angry is fucking consuming.

Don’t get me wrong tho, there is a time and a place for grudges and planning revenges and not forgiving, but when a thing is of a trivial nature to yourself, you shouldn’t waste time on being angry about it. You’ll do much better just sort of brushing it off, getting over it and moving along.

But negative thinking can be and is in most cases a trap. A self-powering vicious cycle, and it’s so easy to fall into it, especially if you’ve been spiraling in that for most of your life. I have, and whilst I admit I have a few good reasons to be cynical and bitter, I should point out that it doesn’t mean I should be cynical and bitter about every single fucking thing in my life. Sure, be bitter about that specific thing, accept that you’re cynical about certain aspects of life, but that doesn’t mean that I should be that in every other aspect of my life as well.

And this has been the fucking biblical realization in my life in the past few days, the fact that you can let go, you can change and when you do, you’ll feel better. And when you feel better, everything around you becomes better too. You can’t control everything that happens around you, but you damn sure can control how you choose to approach the curveballs life throws at you.

I know I will fall into the negative thinking traps many a times still on my way to more positive thinking, but I’m sure going to try my absolute everything to avoid it. It’s not rocket science, it’s a process, a path, a journey to better self knowledge and better life.

And I choose that path.


Tuesday, March 6th, 2018

I don’t know if I’ve told about this before or not (probably not, because i’ve been busy and shit) but at the start of this year I decided to make some changes into my daily life. At first I thought about making a gradual change, but we all know I’m not about that shit. I need to change everything to succeed in any one thing.

So that’s what I did.

I started to watch more carefully what I eat (ok, let’s be real here, i started to actually give a shit about my eating) and I dropped (as per challenge) sweets, biscuits, cakes and the likes as well as any junk food totally off, for 100 days. It’s now day 65, and I had to check that from my calendar. It has mostly been quite effortless, even tho when the kid discovered my stash of Quality Streets from the Cupboard of Plenty and demanded one, I had a bit of a struggle with myself to not just snag one up. Because if there’s a type of sweet I love, it’s Quality Street. But I’ve had it quite easy to say no to other things on the Verboten List. Exepct yesterday my mother-in-law had a birthday and the cake looked and smelled absolutely delicious. But I said no and thanked myself later. Junk food has been of a zero effort to say no to, but that was expected as it hasn’t really been a thing to regularly get any. I’m missing biscuits something terrible tho, like if I could have just one hobnob, that would be grand. But alas.

But so far I’ve liked the fact that I actually seem to be shifting my view on snackage with tea. I don’t feel like I’ve needed anything to go with my cuppa for the vast majority of times. I mean, when I’m at home, I’ve no need to take a biccie or anything with my cuppa, but I’ve sort of felt obligated to do so when visiting people. Not anymore. I feel like I can say no thank you today and take a bite the next time around. Idk, I like feeling like this.

Included in my habit changes was to up the amount of excercise I get. For the final five months of 2017 the most exercise I got was basically when I walked to and fro from my locker at work. Now I’m doing a variety of things to keep me moving. I’ve changed from one gym to another and found myself in the arms of LesMills again. And I love it. My current gym offers both live instructed and virtual combats and that gives me so much freedom to choose when I go in. And the range of virtual exercises they have is staggering. So it’s no wonder I’m finding myself there five times a week. (ok i’ve tried zumba after three? five? years of absence and it seemed like a good idea at first, but now, after just five weeks i find myself cringing at the music 87% of the time and i honestly don’t think it’s worth the suffering. i get my groove on with much harder music and it has come to this: i’m more of a sweat-til-you-drown -type of mover, who’da thunk)

I’ve also started to keep a record of daily weather on my calendar and I’ve sort of gotten a more structured view on my daily life in there as well. I’ve set up a cleaning list so I can stop being overwhelmed by cleaning the whole fucking house at once, like before. I’ve chopped the tasks in bits and spread them (moderately) evenly around a week. I can’t believe I haven’t thought about this before. I’m keeping track of my eating and also my finances quite meticulously, and as a result I’ve paid my credit card off, am close to paying off my last bit of student loan and have lost roughly 30 pounds since January 1st.

So how’s that for a fucking change.

Blog challenge, episode 1

Saturday, January 27th, 2018

List 20 random facts about yourself.

I feel that sometimes lists such as this slip to bragging territory, but I’m trying not to be that person. And yes, I realise I have a whole section of basically random facts about me, but I’m trying to think of something new.

-I love pens. I’m always looking for the perfect pen and quite recently I think I’ve found my favourite. It’s Pilot Frixion point 0.5, and it comes in a few colours. I’m quite sure I don’t need all of the colours, but will end up buying them anyways. And probably three black ones.

-I have a stack of ringbound planners in three sizes. I know I don’t need that many, because I only use my trusted a5 size (i mean come on, who can fit everything into a personal size?) but in my defence nearly all of them were purchased half or 75% off.

-I also have a traveler’s notebook, a cheap-arse mock one, but I still do and I just bought myself a Nuuna dot grid huuuuge notebook for bullet journaling purposes, even if I’ve tried it and didn’t like it. So now that beauty is basically just sitting on top of my desk and doing nothing. Except looking pretty.

-I haven’t had a regular skin care routine until this past christmas, when I got a set with cleanser, toner and two creams (day and night ones, naturally). I’m only stating this as a fact, with no emotional attachment to it.

-if I had to choose one activity that I would do in my spare time for the rest of my life, I’d have pretty fucking awful job deciding between writing, running and driving. I think I would choose driving, for the zen-like nature of it that I’ve gotten used to as years go by. I mean I can get peace of mind by running, but driving is my drug.

-talking of which, I used to do a lot of designated driver shit when I was younger and lying to myself about being social. At one point I calculated (for the sake of passing time) how many different makes and models of cars I’ve driven and it went to about seventy-ish then. It must be at least fifteen or twenty more now. So I think I can firmly say I’ve driven all sorts of cars. (i realise this is starting to venture to the brag-territory)

-I’m trying to read a bit more this year than the last, but I can’t seem to be able to concentrate on books. I’m hoping that it’s the genre that is putting me off. I’ve read mostly detective novels lately (hello harry hole) and I think I’m sort of so used to their format that trying to read sci-fi novels is such a different experience in comparison. I used to love my sci-fi, the classic ones, Arthur C. Clarke, Fred Hoyle and then some sort of horror hybrids. And yes, I do still love them, but I can’t commit to them, at least not at the moment.

-I love small (and a bit bigger) cosmetic bags and pouches. I have a bunch of them and I actually use quite a lot of the ones in my possession. They’re very handy when you’re changing hand-bags as frequently as many people do socks. To be honest tho, I do have a bunch of pouches I’ve not used once, and some that I’ve used only a little. But they’re a minority.

-I’m also a big hoarder of small baskets. Don’t even ask the number of Branäs -baskets in my house. It’s much like with pouches: I find them useful and buy a bunch, put stuff in it and forget about it. Then I’m doing my annual round of rummage through all your shit and throw half of it away and shit goes to tip and I’m left with extra baskets.

-I have a big stash of bracelets and wristbands. I usually wear the same combo for obscene amount of time and then change the whole lot. Last year it was paracord bracelets and leather cuffs, this year it’s black plastic sort of pearls with charms. I’m the person who adds one to each wrist every four to five weeks, end up with seventy-six million on each and then stripping them all off and starting again.

-I dye my hair a lot. I’ve started since I was maybe fourteen? and haven’t had my natural colour since then. To be honest I don’t even know what colour my hair is at this point. It might even be a little grey at parts, who knows. I’m partial to darker colours, because I feel myself more of a brunette than a blonde, but I’m not against any colour. I’ve had pretty much every colour there is, aside from grey, because my hair type is such that if I dye it silvery grey, it’ll turn into the colour of seagull shit in two weeks.

-I drink a lot of tea. About this time last year I made an order online for 1100 bags of Tetley’s tea and 1200 bags of Yorkshire tea. I mean, at the time there was not one single shop in Finland that sold Yorkshire. Now there is one supermarket chain that carries it, but the price is fucking ridiculous. I’m still drinking my 2300 bags, but I’m starting to feel a bit worried for the amount of Yorkshire left. By no means am I a snob when it comes to tea, but I admit I am a bit picky over my bags. And yes, I prefer bags since I don’t drink many mugs at once, and I can do without the hassle of loose leaf, thank you very much. Also: green tea is the stuff of Satan.

-lately, for maybe about half a year, I’ve been getting more and more into veggie based diet. I mean I have nothing against eating meat in itself, but I feel like I feel better without eating a lot of it. And to be quite frank, I don’t even like red meat that much. I have a bunch of friends (almost all of them) who always order a steak at a restaurant, because mmm yummy medium plus steak and I’m like uhhh, I’ll have the veggie main, or the chicken. I’m in no way a snob about this either, I’m not pushing my way of eating to anyone, and I don’t even intend going vegan or even totally meat-free. I just… I guess I like my veggies better.

-I don’t have a lot of handbags, I think. I mean I’m not sure how many people normally have, but I have like maybe a dozen? But before you get alarmed or scream at me for thinking that’s not a lot, let me tell you quite a few of those are bags shaped like a sheep (i’ve used that many times, but it’s sort of small-ish for everyday use) or shaped like a seal cub (it has a see-through plastic ‘belly’ and i’ve used it when going out for a bender). Quite a few of them are army surplus bags that are very practical, but not very … beautiful. I mean I like them, I’ve always been a big fan of army green colour. And none of the bags are fancy, or even brand name bags.

-as a person living this high up on the parallels, I know I should be somewhat fluent in winter sports. Like skiing. But god almighty how much I hate it. I want to like it, I want to ski, but I get blisters in my feet and I get sweaty and achy in no time at all and it all boils down to a big complain-fest anywhere between 100-300 meters. I suspect this is because I can’t ski, I don’t have the right technique. Down-hill skiing, or slalom as it was known somewhere in the dark ages, now that is my kind of skiing. You put two planks (yes two, shut up all you boarders you have two legs, you use two separate planks) on your feet, let machinery pull you on top of a hill and let gravity take you down. That’s proper skiing.

-talking about sports, a few years ago I got into Les Mills BodyCombat and haven’t been the same since. I love it, I love the feeling of being drenched in sweat and kicking and screaming your frustrations out to pumping music.

-I also love running, as I mentioned before. I don’t know what it is about it, but after the first 3-400 meters you get your breathing in check and your form right and you get your flow on and could run for ages. I only run during summers, because my lungs cannot take running in cold weather, so I have to sort of start again every spring, but so far it’s been magic. I love it, I can’t think of a better way to exercise.

-I bought a shotgun when I was studying first year at tech school. I bought it with my first batch of student loan, lol, money spent right where it was meant to. It’s a Remington 870 pump-action, a classic. I’ve hunted, for birds, a few times, but I just sort of lost interest in shooting live things, so I’ve been shooting at range. I’m not a great shot, but that’s because my practise is non-existant. I should go more, but I’ve somehow just put ot off.

-I’m a big stationary hauler. I’m loving pretty much everything from Kikki.K, and I do spend way more than I should on notebooks that I never use. I also like office supplies, and I’m about thisclose to admitting I may have a serious problem with this whole hoarding thing.

-altho, notebooks do come in handy when making lists. I love making lists. I make lists of literally everything. Shopping lists, duh, but to-do lists of every sort, lists of chores, lists of favourite things, favourite songs… I mean if I started on bullet journaling, I’m not sure there’d be room left for anything else but collections and lists.

Yea. That’s twenty then, ay? Was there anything new for you? Was anything surprising?

Currently, the Jan ’18 edition

Thursday, January 18th, 2018

Here we are, well settled into the new year (ha ha! *hides knife behind back*) and well on our way to breaking every resolution we made the mistake to make. So what better way to begin a ghastly routine than making a State of the Nation post.

At this fine evening I’m enjoying a well-earned moment of Peace & Quiet™ after a day of having the underaged male representative of the family being a right pisshead and shouting constantly the whole afternoon. Only thing I can hear now are the sounds the keyboard is making and the guinea pigs having their Nightly Hay Dance. Quite a racket, but I promise you, I’m not the least bit bothered about that.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my actual work but also my dream about making money from my craft. It’s a somewhat distant dream, but it’s something that I hope is going to provide me with some extra cash. I have also been thinking about what it looks like in haunted houses when it’s laundry day, but that’s something I’m thinking about more or less every idle moment. Still haven’t quite figured it out. Any ideas?

I’m sticking to not-eating sweets, but oh my fucking lord it’s hard, especially when you have half of your obscenely large tin of Quality Streets still in your Cupboard of Plenty, just sitting there quietly. When I’m done with the 100 days I’m aiming at first, I’ll bloody well eat every last bit of them. (watch me have maybe six and then feeling all bleugh)

I’ve been drinking so much water lately, that I feel like I’m sploshing around when I’m walking. I’m not, but I feel like I am. Also, unsurprisingly, I’m pissing like a racehorse al through the day. Tmi, I know, but you (two) know me well enough by now.

If someone had told me ten, even five years ago that I’ll be wearing leggings with dresses and cardies, I’d probably punch them in the face. But here we are, ten million cardies later…

These past few weeks (yes it’s been almost three) I’ve been listening to my old spotify playlists when I’m walking or going to the gym. For the longest time I only listened to the saved song list, scrolling up and down on it, trying to find a suitable string that would not frustrate me whilst exercising. And one day I just put on one of my playlists from 2012-ish, and let me tell u. East 17 is still fucking brilliant, and yes, no shame, I know Gold by heart.

I’ve been ordering a ton of jewelry-related stuff from Wish and whilst I know that they’re due to arrive sometime around mid-February, I’m kinda wanting them to be here tomorrow. The latest. I’ve also set up a rewards system for myself when it comes to losing weight, and I just put in an order for a big, chunky dot grid bujo notebook, and I’m wanting that to arrive today or sooner. Mind you, I’ve tried bullet journaling, but I didn’t quite like it, probably because I wasn’t committing to it like full-time, but sort of kept it as a side-ho to my beautiful ring-bound a5 Kikki.K. This time I’m … sort of not sure I’ll even start it right away, but I just wanted to have it, because a) it was a thing of beauty and b) ya know just in case.

I don’t like winter, I’ve probably mentioned it a few times. So yea. It’s two-feet+ of snow, more coming in in a rather horizontal way, it’s as cold as in polar bears arse and to top it off, it’s windy as fuck. So whuppi-fucking-doo, it’s a shit weather.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I’ve started on a new medication for my misfiring brain. It took me some time to actually believe that it was working. Or maybe it took my brain a month or so to recover from the question mark it formed into, as serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine actually fired when they were supposed to instead of going fucking ballistic every time basically anything happened. But yea, I’ve been feeling a lot better lately. Better, tho, is probably the blandest word to describe the multitude of improvements happening in my life. I feel more sort of … able. And not in a manic way. It’s not that gleamy-eyed, feverish drive to do things, but a nice sort of motivated and sort of orderly feeling of being able to. I have some fears, due to the earlier medical trials, about my writing, and since it’s been a good while since I’ve written anything more than a shopping list or a shitpost, I’m sort of anxious about it, but on the other hand this doesn’t feel like a blank space, but more as an internal processing period. So I’m kind of optimistic about that too. I should just try to allocate time for my writing, regularly, so I would get Shit™ Done™.

And lastly, to finish off with a positive tune, something I’m trying to do more in my life as a whole this year, I have booked an appointment for a facial for tomorrow, at a local beauty salon. I got a voucher as a christmas present and I’m more than delighted I was able to book a time in such short notice. The salon I’ve been to before had bookings for like closer to two months ahead. Mind you, it was very much not a problem for me, as I am flexible with my schedules, and the young lady worked as a solo entrepreneur with no one to share the space with. And she was lovely, and the treatments were more than excellent. So I’m sort of wondering if this new (to me) place can match the experience. What I’m positive about is is that I’ll enjoy it.

Have a nice rest of the week, all (one, who managed to read this whole thing) of you and do tell me what kind of positive experiences you have had with beauty salons. I’m determined to keep this place nice this year, so no wiping your snotty fingers on your trouser knee and for goodness sake, try to remember that the fork is used to transport food from the plate to your mouth, not the knife.

State of the Nation – May edition

Wednesday, May 24th, 2017

Hey hi hello all you (two).
I thought I had something to say, but I don’t? Hence a collection of things that have happened during my abscense.

-School shit is over for this spring, thank fuck, as I was getting way too stressed with it anyway. Only thing now is to wait for grades. Not really holding my breath as some of the teachers are notoriously bad at getting the grades up before way too late.

-I’ve gotten my motorbike out for this season. Took bloody long enough, I’d say. But it’s been a weird-ass spring anyway. Up until like two weeks ago there was still a shitton of snow on the ground and more pouring from the sky. As of now it looks like it’s not going to snow until autumn. (watch me crash and burn with that)

-I’m not even gonna start with the state of my mental health, because no. Just… no.

-I went to see Song to Song last month. I haven’t said anything about it, because it was shit. Two hours well wasted. I mean, Fassy looked like a fucking god in it, just like Natalie Portman did, but my god it was boring. BOOORINNGGGG. Funny enough, everyone, literally everyone else in the theater agreed with me on that. So yea, time and money completely wasted. The nuts I had were good tho, so meh.

-I went to see Alien: Covenant just the other day (last saturday actually) and that one wasn’t boring. I’m not a huge fan of the Alien franchise and I don’t have any kind of emotional attachement to any of the films, so I can’t say how it was in relation to those, but I have seen Prometheus and I liked that one. I sort of think maybe Prometheus and Covenant shouldn’t be graded as sequels (or indeed in this case) prequels of the Alien films, because they’re more like… I don’t know, spin-offy? Me, as a big fan of entertaining (and perhaps a bit dumb) action films was left a bit underwhelmed by the action bits of Covenant. Yea, it looked good, but like, Xenomorph? not really that scary. I don’t know if it was meant to be scary (it was tagged as a horror film in finland, in addition to sci-fi and suspence i guess) but the film wasn’t really horror. I should know, I hate horror these days. I was honestly more intrigued by the bits where David 8 went on about creation and philosophy. I could’ve watched that way longer. But yea, money well spent, time well spent and also chocolate I ate was good.

-I’m writing, still, despite being not-manic (i don’t honestly know what i am, besides fucked-up), having a bit of a breather from my Main Story at the moment and just revving my gears on an AU, which is more of bits and pieces collection type of thing. I don’t plan it to be a big story, it doesn’t have enough substance for such. But yea, still writing, which is nice.

-I’ve put up my crafting pages, but there’s still a load of crap to upload and write posts about and maybe even get into making something after the loooongest tiiiime ever. I miss having my fingers glued up and covered in glitter. And I sort of miss trying out new shit with my sewing machine. And I sort of have a ton of things saved up on Pinterest, so there’s much to try there too. But I must not stress myself with any of this, because honestly

-I have gotten my running shoes out also, after a long and gruelling winter of not doing much in terms of exercise. I’m in a terrible shape, but I’m leaning (again) on the Couch to 5K -app I have on my phone. I’m currently doing week 3 and I’ll be nicely done by the time we’ll leave for London.

-yea by the way me and husband unit are GOING TO LONDON! yay! I’m meeting up with my pal Adam and just breathing in some nice smoggy air of that shitty town that I love so much. It’s not a long trip, only a couple of days but you gotta take what you can. So yea, London, I will be in you in less than six weeks.

And that’s about it for now.