Archive for the ‘Shut up Rika’ Category


Sunday, March 12th, 2017

I’m so fucking tired it’s not even funny anymore. My head feels like there’s permanent disc defrag going on, it’s been like this for pretty much all of this year. And you know what?


I’m just… I’m so ready to jump into a lake of fire.

I have tons of essays for school to write, I still have time, but not too much, considering the amount of work there is to be done. I have exams coming up and I literally can’t be arsed to do anything about any of them, because there are so many much more important and pressing things to be excited about. I’m just so tired of my own shit that it’s not even funny in any sort of way.

Fuck this brain, fuck this illness, fuck mania and particularly fuck everything.

Wat is this?

Monday, October 3rd, 2016

For the longest time ever I haven’t felt like writing. Like at all. I struggled to write a one-page introduction of myself and usually it takes me about three seconds to tell at considerable length how bloody good I am. And now it took me two hours to get it done. Ugh.

But the past couple of days… I started to read my old scribblings (not too old, mind you, not those embarrassingly raw snippets i’ve written when i was like fifteen, because like, no, keep them, but for fuck’s sake never read them, never ever) and I felt like I could actually write more. Like, write a sequel to Aotearoa (Karina & Tem 4eva!!! i’ve been thinking about them a lot in these few days) and/or maybe write something for either Road or for Other Side (Rainne & Daryl are my eternal otp!!1).

I don’t know what brought this on, but I have a sneaking suspicion.

Shrinks halved my dosage of anti-psychotics and it might be that it’s not enough to contain my mania after all even tho the original dosage was quite small to begin with. But I don’t care. I want to stop taking the bloody pills alltogether. I hate taking them and they make me so bloody drowsy in the mornings.

I feel alive for the first time in like… I don’t even know. Happy times.

Randomness, pt. infinity

Saturday, September 10th, 2016

I’m fed up with running. At least fed up with running around the same track over and over again. I know I could be doing the tarmac, but my legs really don’t feel up to it. I tried it once and you know what, 1/10 cannot recommend. So today I went (even if i didn’t feel like it at first, but i ate a lot of pancakes and felt disproportionally guilty about it, so eh) and just pissed off to a different, a lot shorter round. I felt really good about it, so even if it means less calories burnt, I will run that shorter route until I get bored of that as well. Also with school schitt and all, it’s much easier to fit a half-hour run to my ridiculously busy schedule than a full hour.

I’ve been trying out a day-per-page planning style. I’m liking it so far. I’m having a go at the personal sized planner and it seems like I could make it work. If I decide to get the inserts from Filofax, I’m sort of worried about Saturdays and Sundays being on the same page, because I have up until now given a whole page for each of them too. I mean I keep a foodlog, to do -lists and all appointments and stuff in it, so it might get a bit crammed during the weekends. I kinda would like to switch to the personal size mostly because it would fit better in my bag, but then again, I have the pocket sized planner doubling as a wallet and that’s always with me. I’m not convinced I could fill up the a5 size with day per page, but on the other hand there would be plenty of space if there happens to be a lot of shit going on. *sigh* decisions, decisions. Luckily I have a few months until next year to try out both sizes and see how it turns out.

I’ve been to the shrink and my medication was reduced. Still no clue about the effects, because I went to the chemist to fill the perscription and they didn’t have my pills on them. So I have to wait until like Tuesday so they’ll get them in and then I’ll be on just about the smallest dose of anti-psychotics you can be. I’m looking forward to it, I think my lost writing mojo is due to the pills. And a bunch of other things too. So yay for that. I wish maybe down the line when I’ll be better at recognizing my triggers, I could go totally drug-free.

School has started at full force now and I still feel a bit confused about everything that is going on. Or rather everything I am supposed to remember to do, like enroll for classes (this was new compared to tech school) and what not. I have classes on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights mainly, and come mid-November, also on Saturdays. I’m quite fine with that so far, the only thing bothering me is how to fit my exercises in there. I’ve had to dump combat already, because it’s on Tuesday nights. I would have a lot of time during the daytime, but I have B, so that’s off the limits on most days. I’m however determined to manage two times at gym and at least one run per week in there somewhere.

But yea. This is what’s going on at the moment. I’m also rewatching The Killing, because Stephen Holder is my absolute favourite character in television ever. <3


Saturday, July 23rd, 2016

We’ve been hit by a heatwave. The temperatures have been around 25 degrees for a week now and it’s about to get hotter next week.

Now, I know it doesn’t sound like a lot, but over her it is. We’re at latitude 66 north and the usual temperatures during July are 18-20. So yea, it’s a heatwave.

I don’t mind, on the contrary I’m loving this. This is what I dream about during the freezing months of January and February, so I’m making the most of it. The only thing I’m not doing at these temperatures is running. Fattie here will have a cardic event. So you gotta be merciful towards yourself at times.

State of the Nation: June

Sunday, June 26th, 2016

I’m terrible at blogging regularly. But you (three) already know this, so I’m not wasting any time being bothered about that.

During the still ongoing month of June I have been

-watching a lot of footie (it’s the Euro 2016 and i’m here for England and if they fuck up then Germany)

-running. Not around like a decapitated hen, but like, exercise run. A lot. I completed the 5K Runner app’s eight week course and while I couldn’t make it to 5K in 35 minutes, I managed to run the 35 minutes (and later more) straight and if that’s not an achievement for someone like me, who used to run just across the road but only if it was due to not getting ran over by a car, then I don’t know what is. So in short, I’m very pleased with myself for actually getting back into running. Properly.

-running. Around like a decapitated hen. I know I said I haven’t, but I sort of have. Everything is sometimes just so hectic and I can’t seem to get a hold of moments. Everything just sort of … happens. At a quick pace. I should try to get into meditation and mindfulness and yoga. I’m not the most flexible person ever, but mate was I present at classes. So yeah, yoga.

-roadtripping. I went to southern Finland with the husband in the beginning of the month. We left B in the care of grandparents and fucked off to my mates housewarming do. It was a nice trip, apart from the fact that I got some sort of stomach bug that eventually ended up doing rounds on everyone. Ever. Ew.

What I should’ve been doing and haven’t is

-going to the gym. The gym has always been my enemy in the sense that I rarely can be arsed to go, especially alone. I don’t feel like it’s hard enough of an exercise to me (shut up, i know i could be doing things with more weights) so I’ve sort of … not gone. I should and I’m determined to start again next week.

-crafting. Mate I bought a sewing machine and I’ve not used it in over a month! I keep burning my fingers carrying around my London Zoo keep cup when I should’ve done the tea cozy I’ve been planning to do for -you guessed it!- over a month. Argh. Also I’ve not made a single card or any other craft even tho I moved all my shit downstairs so I’d get shit done.

-eating less. I’ve fallen back into my old habits of eating basically everything I can catch. I’m starting a food journal tomorrow to where I will write down everything I eat in detail, so I can feel properly bad about every extra slice of cheese I have. I need to get my weight loss back in track. It’s my health we’re talking about, not just vanity.

I’ve been feeling quite alright mentally, mostly I suspect because a) it’s summer and I always feel better during summer because it’s, well, summer, b) because I’ve been motorbiking, which is still my favourite thing to do ever and c) the looney pills that keep me from going psychotic.

That’s about it. I’m hoping we’ll see eachother a bit more regularly, but I can’t promise you anything. I just hope that you (two by the time we got this far) stay true to me and my irregular blogging habits.