Archive for March, 2015

Getting there

Monday, March 30th, 2015

I have stopped taking my medication, because I felt it was just dragging me down. During this past week without the pills I’ve felt better than I have for a long time.

The pills made me functional, but to me life is about more than just being functional. I felt like a robot, doing chores and not really feeling anything. I didn’t feel sad, but I didn’t feel happy either. I was… well, functioning, not living.

I know my mood swings can prove to be somewhat self-destructive at times, but I’ve been able to cope, what with the meetings with the professionals and all. I feel like my overall quality of life is indeed better without the pills. I know I said earlier that I hope me feeling better after starting the medication is due to exactly that, but that was when I really couldn’t sleep, and I hadn’t slept well in a terribly long time. Now that I have had time to reflect on everything, think it indeed is about getting a good night’s sleep. I got past a terrible spot with this medication, I got to sleep and I really think it was just that: lack of sleep. It’s never easy with a small child, but I bet anything it’s even harder when you have a mental illness to deal with as well.

At the moment I’m planning a lot of blog posts for you to enjoy and I feel like I could probably open a text file and get back to Eleanor and Alex’s story. I’ve neglected them for too long. Here’s hoping I didn’t get permanently broken by them looney pills.

Shit on Sundays – short, the end

Sunday, March 29th, 2015

41. If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with? I have no idea. For a while it might be cool to be like the president of Russia so I could make some changes in the regime over there.
42. If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it?

43. Whom do you admire and why? Bono. He actually tries to do good.
44. What was your favorite bedtime story as a child? A Finnish book called Piilomaan Pikku Aasi. It’s about a donkey who makes a revolution.
45. You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do? Call the fire brigade. I’m no hero.
46. If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you? Naah. Let him choose all by himself.
47. What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol? Being just sufficiently drunk. I’ve never done drugs so that’s about it.
48. What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol? Being so drunk I literally couldn’t move.
50. As you’re walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it? If there was no one in the car, sure. I’ll be happy to admit that I’m an opportunist thief.
51. If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them? Yes.
52. In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger? Honestly, not really. I’ve never been successful in gambling.
53. How old were you when you lost your virginity? 14.
54. Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires? Not during daylight, no.
55. If you could live forever, would you want to? Absolutely fucking not.
56. Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are? Probably Boromir. He’s trying to be a good guy but ends up being distracted by shit, turns out to be a dick and feels bad about it. To put it shortly.
57. If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit? I think the 1950’s. Just because it seems it was an optimistic time. I don’t know if it was, but it feels like it could’ve been.
58. If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it? Absolutely not. I’m against death penalty.
59. If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it? No. I don’t want my work to take up all of my time.
60. If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to? No. I had a boy but I would’ve been quite content with a girl also.
61. Would you rather live longer or be wealthy? Be wealthy. It improves the basic quality of life so much and I value quality over longevity.


Monday, March 16th, 2015

I’m feeling quite bad at the moment. I’m all out of things to blog about (so i’m blogging about how i don’t have anything to blog about) and I still haven’t touched my fiction files.

Except that I did. I thought this one picture removed the writer’s block (a block about the size of the great wall of china at this moment to be brutally honest), but I only got like two sentences down and one of them is pure bollocks.

I’m not going to reach the goal I’ve set for myself this month in weight-loss project. I have been doing my lunges and crunches, but I’m going to fall at least two kilos short of the goal. So I’m not going to fit in my motorbiking gear come the beginning of May.

I’m genuinely feeling like shit. All I can manage is keeping my planner updated, so I can at least go to my appointments.

I think this might be the looney pills. I have to tell you, choosing between feeling like this and the rollercoaster of feels without the pill? I’ll take the damn Kingda-Ka. I’ll take the depression and the mania high and the self-destructiveness of it all. Anything but this.

Song of The Week – Bittersweet

Saturday, March 14th, 2015

When Simple Minds’ newest album Big Music came out in late October/early November last year, it was great. There’s a full blown rant about it here, in case you are interested and haven’t already grasped the effect the album had in me. I loved the first single and I was really pumped about hearing the whole album and also the deluxe edition with a few more songs on it, like Liaison.

And Bittersweet.

I heard it and immediately fell in love with it. There’s the thumping rhythm making the song go forward, there’s haunting synths, there’s the guitar and there’s the Kerr’s voice telling me how it’s sweet, sweet love. All that I ever dreamed of.

It quickly became a song in my go-to playlist for writing, played a fantastillion times and then some. It sounds like obsession and unhealthy stalkerish, paranoid, hot sweaty sex. It’s all the things I need for writing and it inspired a layout.

It’s still my obsession, my crack and I need my fix to get high and I love it.


Thursday, March 12th, 2015

Judging from the recent weather and recent long tem forecasts I’m carefully announcing that spring might be here. The snow has collapsed on itself and you can actually see where you’re going at a road crossing.

I like spring. It’s not my favourite season, but I like it a lot. Mostly -of course- because it means winter is over and winter, let me tell you, is my least favourite season. I hate it. With a passion. I hate snow and I hate the cold and it can get properly cold around here. Spring signals the end of those cruel days when your snot freezes mid-sneeze and your face gets so dry from the northern wind that you fear it may fall off if you move a muscle. Spring is filled with days when you think your eyeballs will burn to ashes even with sunglasses on and the sound of melting snow dripping from the eaves.

Spring is when you look for little spots of asphalt on the roads and try to step on them just to get the feel of solid ground under your shoes. And it’s a time of irrational shoe decisions which inevitably lead to cold, wet feet and sore bum because you just had to put on the chucks even tho you know it’s still too cold and too wet and too slippery for them and you end up going arse over tit on the yard.

Spring is when you sneak out to sniff your motorcycle and sit on the seat and turn the handle just to try it out. A bit. Because you’re not even thinking about taking it for a literal spin, because if you would you’d end up in some godforsaken bush because there’s black ice. Of course you’re not thinking it. Not ever. Nope.

Spring is when you hear the first seagulls screaming over your head. It’s when you go out in the morning to get the paper, wrapped in your favourite cardigan that is nasty and worn out but it’s your fave, you see, and the sound of birdsong is almost deafening.

It’s first mug of tea on the porch and the smell of cow shit when you drive across the countryside.

That’s spring.