Archive for March, 2017

Fic update

Monday, March 27th, 2017

I know you’ve been desperately waiting on my updates on how my story is going (have we? -you, yes you have -me). I can tell you I’m doing some editing at the moment, since the plot took an unexpected turn and I’ve yet to calculate a new route. It’s honestly a minor setback, but I’ve been somewhat preoccupied with a lot of shit lately, mainly this thing I hate called ‘actual life’. I know, I seem to have one. Strange times.

But yea, I’m safely sitting at 60 000+ words (and 100+ pages but that really isn’t a suitable measure of anything) and there is probably about 20 000 to come. Could be less, could be more, but that’s where I’d throw the estimate.

I’m also plotting an AU for this fic. For pwp purposes. (watch me crash and burn) Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.

-Wait wait wait. How the hell has he managed to get up and cook? We’ve barely managed to ooze out of bed and order in.
-Some of us didn’t drink like they had cotton for mouth, you derelict drunks. But that’s not relevant.

****

-Don’t even start, she closed her eyes in order not to see his stupidly sexy smirk and his eyefuck levels turning into seven million. –I’m not even remotely in the condition to have you ravage me.
spoiler: she will be

****

And because everything needs to hurt:

And he was out the door, shouting something at Gary and she was slowly falling down to the floor, because her knees gave way and she was crying, trying to gasp in air between sobs and it felt like someone was ripping her heart out from her chest.

Now, back to editing and recalculating route.

U2 and why it hurts

Wednesday, March 15th, 2017

My lovely Peej from tumblr started a project in which she collects little snippets out of U2 songs, she calls them aphorisms and I call them snippets, because I’m a vulgar. She says

I don’t know if all of these can really be considered aphorisms. To me, some of them are kind of prayerful, some are little epiphanies, and some are bitter observations.

And I’m here for these. I’m so here for these, because this one time, a long time ago (in a galaxy far far away) I bought the newly released album How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb and I listened to it a lot. A LOT. I remember driving around a few nights, crying like a lost child (for matters unrelated to U2) and listening to mostly a song called A Man and A Woman. Yea I know, what a shitty title. There’s a part of the lyric that goes

The only pain is to feel nothing at all
How can I hurt when I’m holding you?

and when you first listen to it (is this a good time to remind you guys that lyrics are the last part of a song that i pay attention to? well) you think oh, that’s nice, he feels so much for her that it’s a ridiculous idea to feel any pain holding her. And that’s what I thought of it, because that’s what the rest of the lyrics imply. Until one sleepless night (one of several, i remember) I sat at my desk, probably reading something stupid or writing something stupid or generally doing something stupid, when it hit me. The other way of reading that bit of lyric. Like it is an actual question, how can I hurt when I’m holding you? How is it possible that I’m hurting when I’m holding you. That other way. And I fucking lost it, I was lying on the floor, holding on to the carpet, trying not to drown in my feels. Because really, have you ever felt so hollow, so numb that you felt nothing? Imagine feeling like that when you hold someone you thought you loved. I mean… fuck.

Anyways, on the first list of Peej’s aphorisms (the one before wasn’t, these are) are a few lines that may or may not end up as tattoos on my toilet wall of a skin. The first one is again from A Man and A Woman. (peej even dedicated this to me, i mean really, how awesome are my internet people? they get me, ya feel me?)

When the soul wants, the soul waits.

This is very personal to me, it hits home so devastatingly hard. I will not in any circumstances tell how or why, but it just does. It’s gut-wrenching and my heart feels like it’s being food-processed, but it’s important to me.

The other that is very particular to me is from City of Blinding Lights (another favourite of mine from How to Dismantle)

I’ve seen you walk unafraid.

It’s really a callout for myself. I used to be so unafraid, I used to be outgoing and social and all that. And I’m not anymore. I’m afraid all of the time that I’m not enough, or that I’m too much. I used to be so unapologetically me, the muppet that I am. But now? It seems like everytime I get excited about things, I’m the only one and I get these dubious looks from everyone (except my internet people) and I find myself wanting to just live as a recluse in my home. When did I start caring? When did I start giving a fuck? I want to see myself walking unafraid again. I need to see myself walking unafraid again.

There are a few other lines, not on her list (not yet at least) that are very, very meaningful to me. One of my absolute favourites is

When I was all messed up
And I had opera in my head
Your love was a light bulb
Hanging over my bed

from Ultra Violet. A lyric that has saved my life from a song that has saved my life from the album that has saved my life. All the darkness that was surrounding me and the one light in there, the one that kept me going, the one that held me through it all.

There’s

I love you ’cause I need to, not because I need you

from Luminous Times and it fucking makes me weep. Once again, very personal on a very core level. It’s a fundamental truth I once realised about myself and that’s all I have to say about that.

And if I could tattoo the feeling that the song The Unforgettable Fire gives me, I would. I can feel my fucking soul ascending hearing that song. It’s hope after despair, it’s a light in the dark, it’s forgiveness after you’ve fucked up everything.

And these are among the reasons that U2 hurts so bad, yet so good. If you’ve never loved a band passionately, you won’t be able to understand this.

But if you have, you do.

No, pt II

Monday, March 13th, 2017

I’ve been so unstable the whole of today (well, really yesterday as i notice looking at the time, but whatever, i haven’t been sleeping so it’s still officially today in my books) that it really is a miracle I’ve not ran to a field to scream for an hour. Or ten.

I finished up a birthday project thingywotsit, a thing that was supposed to be a drawing, but ended up being a letter and I already got some feedback on it and it made me feel very good about myself. I’ve been on a Twitter rampage, because I can’t really rage on Facebook, because that’s just stupid. Twitter is, when you’re not hashtaging, like shouting into the void and that’s pretty much what I want most of the times with my rants. It serves my purpose of the inexplicable need to have a public meltdown. I’ve been engaging in a lovely conversation with a fellow U2er over at tumblr and even tho I think it’s a blue hellsite, the people are wonderful, they’re lovely and they sometimes contribute a lot to keeping me at least somewhat sane.

So thank you, internet people. Once again you’ve come to my rescue.

No

Sunday, March 12th, 2017

I’m so fucking tired it’s not even funny anymore. My head feels like there’s permanent disc defrag going on, it’s been like this for pretty much all of this year. And you know what?

((( DEFRAG INTENSIFIES )))

I’m just… I’m so ready to jump into a lake of fire.

I have tons of essays for school to write, I still have time, but not too much, considering the amount of work there is to be done. I have exams coming up and I literally can’t be arsed to do anything about any of them, because there are so many much more important and pressing things to be excited about. I’m just so tired of my own shit that it’s not even funny in any sort of way.

Fuck this brain, fuck this illness, fuck mania and particularly fuck everything.

Shit on Sundays – musical asks cont.

Sunday, March 5th, 2017

31. a song you wish your parents didn’t know the words to I don’t really think I’m of that age anymore.
32. a song whose lyrics shocked you once you were old enough to understand them This has nothing to do with age in my case, I never pay attention to words the first few times I hear a song. But yea, I was quite amused (not shocked really) when I realised what the lyrics to Britney Spears’s Touch of My Hand (yes, i’m that thick the title really says it all, doesn’t it? lol) were. I quite like that song, still.
33. a song you have ZERO patience for It’s basically every song from a Finnish band called Mamba. Kids, don’t try it.
34. a song you’d like your favorite artist to cover Oh wow. Maybe Sound of Silence? And in case you were wondering, it would be by U2.
35. a great song you discovered thanks to a movie It’s a cover, Running up that Hill by Track & Field. It’s a long story, but let’s just say it’s to do with Avengers.
36. a great song you discovered thanks to television Does Netflix series count as television? Yea it does. Kettering by The Antlers and Sense8.
37. a song you’re ashamed to have in your music library Journey – Separate Ways.
38. ok what’s the song you were too ashamed to even post for #37 Nickelback – Photograph
39. the most played song in your music library Hold on let me check lastfm… Unsurprisingly Simple Minds – Bittersweet. That song is like crack to me.
40. favorite disney song Shocking reveal: I don’t really know Disney songs. Yea I know, truly shocking. Can You feel the Love Tonight, maybe? Oh no wait! The one that the mice sing in Cinderella, the original one, you know.