Changing

I’ve been talking a lot here (well, when i’ve been doing talking at all) about how I’m changing my life this year. Changing it probably because I’m hitting forty in October and as a thought it feels terrifying, but also somehow comforting. I’ve made it through four decades of life just bullshitting my way around it, and there’s no guarantee how much bullshitting I still have ahead of me. (look at me being all snarky and hiding my existential crisis lol) I have been all about physical changes, but I’ve come to realize I need to change my way of thinking as well. It’s all in the head, they say and I’m slowly beginning to understand that they, whoever they are, are right.

In the past few days I’ve been thinking about this a lot, about how I view the world and how I view myself, and in general the life, everything that happens around me. I’ve never been much of a positive thinker, I’m rather a hardened cyniscist, always snarking on everyone’s happiness. I have noticed a change in me, in the past -I don’t know- a year? Two years? slow change that I’m certain has to do with age, in a sense that I actually think I’ve grown. I hesitate to say I’ve matured, because that somehow (at least to me) implies a sort of hierarchy, and I’m not about that. I’d like to think that where in many cases I may still be the stubborn teen who sees everything in black and white, I’ve found some … softness? grace? mercy? in me, as I’ve grown older. The most tangible example I can give is when there was a need for support for anything in the interent community (look at me swerving around saying fandom and trying to sound Wise™ ), there were always people who said “I’m praying for you”. Up until maybe five years ago, I got a bit angry even and was very keen to tell everyone that I wasn’t a believer and that meant literally nothing. Lately tho, I’ve started to realise it’s really not a thing to get angry about. If people feel like they are genuinelly doing good by praying for me and it gives them a tangible way in their minds to help and support, it’s nothing to get angry about. I say thank you and accept their prayers. I may not think they’re worth two shits as I’m an atheist, but they do no harm to anyone either. I can make those people happy by saying thank you instead of hurting people unnecessarily with harsh words over a matter that doesn’t hurt anyone in any way. (this isn’t to say that when politicians, who are in the position to actually do something, should stick to ‘thoughts and prayers’ but that’s a whole another angry rant which i might get to later on)

So in that sense I’ve become more flexible and lo and and behold, it makes me feel better in the process, because there’s one less thing I need to be angry about. Because being angry is fucking consuming.

Don’t get me wrong tho, there is a time and a place for grudges and planning revenges and not forgiving, but when a thing is of a trivial nature to yourself, you shouldn’t waste time on being angry about it. You’ll do much better just sort of brushing it off, getting over it and moving along.

But negative thinking can be and is in most cases a trap. A self-powering vicious cycle, and it’s so easy to fall into it, especially if you’ve been spiraling in that for most of your life. I have, and whilst I admit I have a few good reasons to be cynical and bitter, I should point out that it doesn’t mean I should be cynical and bitter about every single fucking thing in my life. Sure, be bitter about that specific thing, accept that you’re cynical about certain aspects of life, but that doesn’t mean that I should be that in every other aspect of my life as well.

And this has been the fucking biblical realization in my life in the past few days, the fact that you can let go, you can change and when you do, you’ll feel better. And when you feel better, everything around you becomes better too. You can’t control everything that happens around you, but you damn sure can control how you choose to approach the curveballs life throws at you.

I know I will fall into the negative thinking traps many a times still on my way to more positive thinking, but I’m sure going to try my absolute everything to avoid it. It’s not rocket science, it’s a process, a path, a journey to better self knowledge and better life.

And I choose that path.

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