HBD

May 10th, 2017

Happy Birthday to my life saver, my one true love, my first my last my everything, a river in a time of dryness, a harbour in a tempest.



Song of the Week – Come Undone

April 29th, 2017

I usually have a good backstory on my picks for the song of the week. This time I don’t. I can only remember that the first time I heard this song, I was overwhelmed by it. It was like a punch to the chest, or a dull knife to your skin. It hurt so much I think I cried. I’m sure I cried the next few times tho. And I’ve cried a lot of times listening to this song. The hurt tho, it’s not a bad one, not anymore.

Around when this song was published and put in rotation on MTV, there were some god-awful times going on in my life. Or maybe I’m just associating it with those god-awful times, because I used to listen to this to distract myself from the acute pain and focus on the pain the song was giving.

I do remember having this song taped (we had MTV through cable and somehow through our radio and i can’t figure out how, but it wasn’t like everything on tv was going through there, no, maybe it was an official broadcast? fuck if i know) on a red and black Maxwell tape, 60 minutes one. It was Ordinary World and Come Undone from a short bit called 3 from 1 and I cannot for the life of me remember what the third one was, but obviously I didn’t like it, because I didn’t record it. But there it was and I played both of the songs so many times I think the tape eventually wore out.

I forgot all about the song for years, really, until I heard it on a radio again like maybe six years ago. And felt the same pain I did before. Only this time it was laced with that dusty, grey layer of something that is not quite nostalgia, but something akin. Maybe a longing for the olden days, where you think everything in the world was better. And it really was. But just not with you.

Song of the week, after so many weeks it’s embarrassing, Duran Duran – Come Undone.



Well well well

April 26th, 2017

I was browsing through my blog archives (how bored must i be) and I read a post from last autumn. Specifically this post and in there, you’ll find a tiny piece of text, right down at the bottom.

how much do you want to bet come spring term i’ll be lying face down on the floor surrounded by overdue assignments, brownie crumbs stuck to my face, not sure if it’s wednesday or sunday, waiting for the sweet release of death

Because well well WELL, if it hasn’t come true, the prophecy. I’ve been up to my eyeballs in assignments and I have barely finished them in time, suffering from anxiety that is simply out of this fucking planet. I know me so well.



Coding sucks

April 25th, 2017

I mean it certainly does when you’ve not done it properly in ages. And by ages I mean since like 2009? Maybe? I’ve just relied on copy & paste pretty much (make no mistake, i will do that from now on as well as much as i please because fuck you, that’s why). Or maybe it’s just that my attic is so damn dusty at the moment that it’s not even real. Phew. Whatever it is, I am coding. I’m trying to get my other domain online so I could maybe find the spark to do some actual craftwork. I don’t know. Maybe. I really haven’t had time nor the inspiration to touch any of my crafting shit for like a year. I haven’t touched my sewing machine in well over year, that’s for sure.

How to add three-four hours to a day? By not sleeping, that’s how.

What I am doing, succesfully, is cooking (watch me burn something in the oven right this minute). I’ve been very good now for three weeks in planning in advance what to make for lunch and tea, and then shopping for only those things I need. Saves a lot and it’s really less of a hassle when you know what you’ll be making. Instead of my usual ‘hmm, I wonder if there’s anything edible in the cupboard’ style of home keeping.

But yea. This has been a pointless post, but suffer with me.



State of the Nation, mid-April

April 18th, 2017

Today I’m feeling sane enough to put at least something down in actual words and not just scream continuously into the void. More on that later, probably, but now:

At this very moment I am

– enjoying a well needed time on my own. Like for fuck’s sake, it’s been weeks since I’ve had the opportunity to just sit down and think about fuck-all if I so choose. Life. I swear to god.

– thinking about the upcoming task of redesigning everything up in here and how to divide shit between s-m.org and my new baby, rika-rika.xyz, a domain that my lovely hosting company sold me by dangling Fassbender infront of me. I know! Rude! (but i fell for it so good job guys)

– eating a veggie-satay-wok type of thingy. This is so good I think I could literally stuff 5 pounds of this down my face and still crave for more.

– drinking water. Because I need to drink it. I’m not gonna fit into my bike gear if I keep slobbing out like this.

– wearing my pajama pants and a proper, day-wear shirt. Yea, haven’t been able to bother yet. It’s only noon, so…

– listening to a few songs on repeat. Ariana Grande’s Into You for some AU smutty inspiration (you wouldn’t believe… no wait, you would, yea you would), Into the Fire by Thirteen Senses because feels and a Finnish singer-songwriter Lauri Tähkä doing a cover of one of my favourite Finnish songs, Tämä Rakkaus. I mean the original by Chisu hurts like a motherfucker, but this version? On a completely whole another level, it’s fucking devastating.

– wanting to order something online, just to cheer me up a bit, but I (thankfully) end up putting stuff in the cart and then closing the browser window.

– weather-wise it’s looking good this moment. There’s still a fuckton of snow on the ground, but temperature gauge says that won’t be the case for too long.

– feeling fucking messed-up. I mean honestly, seriously, I’m so fucked-up I don’t even have words to describe it. But me being me, when anyone asks, I’ll just go


*sigh*

– wondering why it isn’t possible in Finland to just sign in to a clinic for a month to just fucking recharge yourself.