The knot is slipping

June 12th, 2017

Depression is a fucking bastard. It leads you to not only thinking you’re shit, like a total and complete waste of space, but it also makes you gather every bit of the little strength and willpower you have left and put it in coping, instead of doing really anything. To top it off, if you consider yourself as a functioning depressed sack of shit, like I do, for reasons, keeping up appearances eats away even more of your resources.

So as much as I have been wanting to write and blog and make edits and learn how to make gifs, I’ve had to focus the little of me that is left into a few more pressing matters. Like eating, because you need more than a look inside the fridge to keep yourself fuelled. And by more I mean actual food items, with, you know, nutrients and shit and not just fuelled like with self-hatred and self-doubt. So yea, eating. And trying to appear alright infront of all the people that are tired of hearing my shit (read: everyone in the whole fucking world) and running.

I’ve been keeping up with my running schedule, because I’ve realised that might be the only thing keeping me from actually getting into a state where I would be hospitalized. Yes, it’s that bad. So for those sorts of reasons I’ve been a fucking slacker when it comes to blogging (i really like blogging, i like rambling on about stupid things and oversharing online, i mean yea, i live for this shit and i feel bad for not doing it) and many other things as well.

I’m feeling the tiniest bits of better at the moment, I’m hoping this will be A Course™ for the time being and that I would be all good (for the moment) in a little while. I’m flying out to meet a friend this upcoming weekend and we’re just going to kick back and relax on Friday with maybe a beer or two (i don’t feel confident in drinking a lot). I’m having some anxiety-related issues with a small party-type of thing organized by my friend for Saturday, but I’m hoping I can like maybe escape to a dark corner if it gets to be too much. Then it’s going to be Midsummer feast on the next weekend and I’m doing fuck-all with the fam, so yay for that. And then it’s off to London for a long weekend with husband unit.

So yea, I’m still alive (oh -you, don’t sound so disappointed -me) and even if I was a bit unwell, I’m sort of getting better.



State of the Nation – May edition

May 24th, 2017

Hey hi hello all you (two).
I thought I had something to say, but I don’t? Hence a collection of things that have happened during my abscense.

-School shit is over for this spring, thank fuck, as I was getting way too stressed with it anyway. Only thing now is to wait for grades. Not really holding my breath as some of the teachers are notoriously bad at getting the grades up before way too late.

-I’ve gotten my motorbike out for this season. Took bloody long enough, I’d say. But it’s been a weird-ass spring anyway. Up until like two weeks ago there was still a shitton of snow on the ground and more pouring from the sky. As of now it looks like it’s not going to snow until autumn. (watch me crash and burn with that)

-I’m not even gonna start with the state of my mental health, because no. Just… no.

-I went to see Song to Song last month. I haven’t said anything about it, because it was shit. Two hours well wasted. I mean, Fassy looked like a fucking god in it, just like Natalie Portman did, but my god it was boring. BOOORINNGGGG. Funny enough, everyone, literally everyone else in the theater agreed with me on that. So yea, time and money completely wasted. The nuts I had were good tho, so meh.

-I went to see Alien: Covenant just the other day (last saturday actually) and that one wasn’t boring. I’m not a huge fan of the Alien franchise and I don’t have any kind of emotional attachement to any of the films, so I can’t say how it was in relation to those, but I have seen Prometheus and I liked that one. I sort of think maybe Prometheus and Covenant shouldn’t be graded as sequels (or indeed in this case) prequels of the Alien films, because they’re more like… I don’t know, spin-offy? Me, as a big fan of entertaining (and perhaps a bit dumb) action films was left a bit underwhelmed by the action bits of Covenant. Yea, it looked good, but like, Xenomorph? not really that scary. I don’t know if it was meant to be scary (it was tagged as a horror film in finland, in addition to sci-fi and suspence i guess) but the film wasn’t really horror. I should know, I hate horror these days. I was honestly more intrigued by the bits where David 8 went on about creation and philosophy. I could’ve watched that way longer. But yea, money well spent, time well spent and also chocolate I ate was good.

-I’m writing, still, despite being not-manic (i don’t honestly know what i am, besides fucked-up), having a bit of a breather from my Main Story at the moment and just revving my gears on an AU, which is more of bits and pieces collection type of thing. I don’t plan it to be a big story, it doesn’t have enough substance for such. But yea, still writing, which is nice.

-I’ve put up my crafting pages, but there’s still a load of crap to upload and write posts about and maybe even get into making something after the loooongest tiiiime ever. I miss having my fingers glued up and covered in glitter. And I sort of miss trying out new shit with my sewing machine. And I sort of have a ton of things saved up on Pinterest, so there’s much to try there too. But I must not stress myself with any of this, because honestly

-I have gotten my running shoes out also, after a long and gruelling winter of not doing much in terms of exercise. I’m in a terrible shape, but I’m leaning (again) on the Couch to 5K -app I have on my phone. I’m currently doing week 3 and I’ll be nicely done by the time we’ll leave for London.

-yea by the way me and husband unit are GOING TO LONDON! yay! I’m meeting up with my pal Adam and just breathing in some nice smoggy air of that shitty town that I love so much. It’s not a long trip, only a couple of days but you gotta take what you can. So yea, London, I will be in you in less than six weeks.

And that’s about it for now.



HBD

May 10th, 2017

Happy Birthday to my life saver, my one true love, my first my last my everything, a river in a time of dryness, a harbour in a tempest.



Song of the Week – Come Undone

April 29th, 2017

I usually have a good backstory on my picks for the song of the week. This time I don’t. I can only remember that the first time I heard this song, I was overwhelmed by it. It was like a punch to the chest, or a dull knife to your skin. It hurt so much I think I cried. I’m sure I cried the next few times tho. And I’ve cried a lot of times listening to this song. The hurt tho, it’s not a bad one, not anymore.

Around when this song was published and put in rotation on MTV, there were some god-awful times going on in my life. Or maybe I’m just associating it with those god-awful times, because I used to listen to this to distract myself from the acute pain and focus on the pain the song was giving.

I do remember having this song taped (we had MTV through cable and somehow through our radio and i can’t figure out how, but it wasn’t like everything on tv was going through there, no, maybe it was an official broadcast? fuck if i know) on a red and black Maxwell tape, 60 minutes one. It was Ordinary World and Come Undone from a short bit called 3 from 1 and I cannot for the life of me remember what the third one was, but obviously I didn’t like it, because I didn’t record it. But there it was and I played both of the songs so many times I think the tape eventually wore out.

I forgot all about the song for years, really, until I heard it on a radio again like maybe six years ago. And felt the same pain I did before. Only this time it was laced with that dusty, grey layer of something that is not quite nostalgia, but something akin. Maybe a longing for the olden days, where you think everything in the world was better. And it really was. But just not with you.

Song of the week, after so many weeks it’s embarrassing, Duran Duran – Come Undone.



Well well well

April 26th, 2017

I was browsing through my blog archives (how bored must i be) and I read a post from last autumn. Specifically this post and in there, you’ll find a tiny piece of text, right down at the bottom.

how much do you want to bet come spring term i’ll be lying face down on the floor surrounded by overdue assignments, brownie crumbs stuck to my face, not sure if it’s wednesday or sunday, waiting for the sweet release of death

Because well well WELL, if it hasn’t come true, the prophecy. I’ve been up to my eyeballs in assignments and I have barely finished them in time, suffering from anxiety that is simply out of this fucking planet. I know me so well.